yesterdays.awakenings

new blog

2010-12-02T11:06:00.000-08:00

hey, i've been inspired to start a new blog on a new site. check it out.

fall approaches

2010-09-16T10:49:00.000-07:00

while i realize the weather here is still fairly reminiscent of summer (especially in the afternoons) - there are times in the early morning that i catch a faint whiff of winter frost. and on a few particular trees i can see the beginnings of leaves changing colors.

today i have spent most of the morning catching up on photos and blogs - even adding to my list of neighbors. one of my dearest friends, miss aubrey ann webb, is spending these next nine months in norway with ywam. i'm really excited for her, and constantly wishing there is a way i could visit.

this morning i spent my breakfast time sitting outside, enjoying the sunshine, and a little rest from a long week. it's good to sit and think about all the things i am so grateful for these days - which is a lot. i've been learning so much lately, made new friends, and found a place i belong.

good days are ahead. i know it.

they did make it across.

2010-08-14T11:46:00.000-07:00

a couple months ago, two of my friends set out on a great journey. the goal: to bike from san francisco to boston. throughout the summer, i've been keeping up with them through blog postings and occasionally over the phone. through hills, broken tires, rabid dogs, humid nights, new friends and reunions of old ones, blessings and sweatings, their statement - "we will make it across" - has come to fruition.

i have to say i am so proud of these boys. it's so great to see an idea come to mind, then the plans that go in to making it happen, and then to finally see the actions of those plans played out. just amazing. i know these guys have had a lot of support from those around them and they have definitely been an inspiration to me.

congrats alex and evan!

if you want to check out their adventures or just browse through pictures check out their blog: last minute trainers.

2010-08-09T21:35:00.001-07:00

today was a very productive day for me. i spent some time outside catching up on emails and facebook, whilst drinking my morning coffee. later, i finally conquered cleaning the basement, which is something i've been meaning to do since i came back two months ago; AND especially since my brother is coming home this weekend! i can't wait. i miss him so much. he's seriously one of my favorite people ever and i can't wait to hang out with him for a little while before school starts.

i've been thinking lately about repainting my room since i think i'll be staying with the folks for a little while longer. so i've finally settled on and color a design (because of course i have rearrange my room when i paint it. i was glad to get the basement clean so that i can put all my focus into this more personal project. as a piece of that, i took all my old frames and painted them white. probably the first time i've really used spray paint, and besides my fingers going painfully numb, i think i did a pretty good job. don't worry. more of the progress pics to come.

sky blue sky

2010-07-28T11:48:00.000-07:00

ah, the west coast. so good to be back in your sweet loving arms. i've been back home for about two months now, and to be honest, i'm still getting adjust.

for one, i just can't get over how blue the sky. have you looked up at the sky in idaho? blue. like really blue. it's amazing.

a couple weekends ago, i house-sat for some family friends who live up on a hill on the outskirts of town. the view from their house is amazing: lake lowell on one side, and the city on the other. one night, i just sat outside and watched dusk turn into night. it's been so long since i've just sat and looked at the stars - or really, been able to see them.
and dry heat. you have been the one i've missed the most. it's so great to be able to enjoy warm (even hot) days without the weight of humidity; and in anticipation of cool night to follow.
i don't know why i ever thought i could survive, let alone live, on the east coast. not my place.

this summer has definitely been a transitional time for me. i feel like i'm just always processing. processing my time spent in philly. processing who i am now. processing where i'm supposed to go from here. and all these things are just kind of lurking around in my brain.

so in this time of process and detox, i've been spending a lot of time outside, sitting by the pool, soaking in some sun rays, and enjoying the summer.

i finally finished reading the entire Narnia series. i had this idea to read all the books every year around christmas time. obviously i didn't meet my goal, but i think i want to try again this year. i just always seem to get something new and interesting out of them.

i've also been hanging out with this drawers a lot.

gerald.

2010-05-16T11:37:00.000-07:00

today is sunday.

tomorrow is monday - which begins the third to last week before i head out on my journey back home to idaho.

this is me in the beginning stages of planning out said journey and actually doing some constructive things towards that goal. i started packing a little bit last week, and plan do some more later today.

i’ve been going through a lot of different emotions, and don’t really know how to feel. and i don’t like not knowing how to feel.

on the one hand, i am so excited to be going home. today is so beautiful, so i’ve had the windows open, and a neighbor is bbqing or something and it smells so good. i can’t wait to spend the summer in nampa. it’s going to be so beautiful. walks with coco, bbq with friends and family, fire-pit conversations, driving around in louise with the top down. all glorious things.

but the reality that i’m going to have to say goodbye to these people here, is starting to sink in. yes, i’m happy to never have to go shopping at aldi’s in west philly again, but it’s so difficult for me to think about never again seeing some of the students that i’ve connected with here. i was talking to a friend of mine about this and he pointed out that something would have been wrong if i weren’t feeling this way; and i know that’s true. but it’s still not something i want to think about.

to help keep myself distracted, i’ve been working on a spring blanket which i just finished this weekend! i’m honestly pretty proud of it, since this is the biggest crochet project i have chosen to tackle. i can’t wait to use it on a cool summer night.

also, in having my windows open, i realized that there must be a hole in the screen because a couple nights ago what i thought was a huge moth came soaring into my room. i don’t like dealing with killing things. not for some humane reason, but because i don’t like when those things squish or crunch, so i usually just let that little creature run away out of my sight. which is exactly what i did with that moth. but the next morning, upon further examination, i realized that the moth was actually a butterfly! and then i was so pleased to have a new friend. i took some pictures of the little guy, whom i have named gerald.

i realize how much i am like my father, because i took about 20 pictures of this guy. my dad could fill five (at least) full albums with all the pictures he has of nature and squirrels.

and while i would have loved to have continued that company, a person’s room is really no place for a butterfly to live. so through some careful persuasion, i let gerald go this morning.

goodbye gerald. i’m glad for the time we had together. fly free and proud.

one last thing. in allowing myself to be bewitched by the sights and smells of a summer quickly approaching, and with the thoughts of roadtrips and the great northwest in my sites, i bought myself a nice straw fedora. i must say i'm pretty pleased with it.

magic gardens.

2010-05-02T18:28:00.000-07:00

last week i got to go with our justice & arts class to isaiah zagar's magic gardens on south street. this place is amazing. i've walked by it a bunch of times, and have always wanted to go in and check out it. so i was really excited to get the chance to (one of the goals i had to do before i left).

there were so many different levels in this one space - and every square inch was covered in mosaics. it's amazing to see how zagar took different pieces of whatever (bike tires, bottles, vases, plates) and put it all together to make this incredible space. it took him 14 years to complete and it's definitely easy to see why.

this begins a series of many pictures i took of bottles. i know it's a lot, but i

was so mesmerized by their color and illumination.

i'm not sure why, but this one is my favorite.

2010-04-28T10:53:00.000-07:00

this morning i saw a little bird float into my back yard. when i went to grab my camera to take a picture of the little guy - he was gone. so i proceeded to take pictures of the space that i am in most mornings when i eat my breakfast. enjoy.

update.

2010-04-14T12:00:00.001-07:00

hey all,

for those of you who don't know, i've been spending this past year in philadelphia serving with center for student mission and an afterschool program in north philly. here's a little update i whipped together to give you some more details.

I’m writing to you on a glorious Spring afternoon here in Philadelphia. These last couple months have been quite a journey for me. God had definitely shown me a lot about who I am and how I want to interact in this world. I’ve been able to get a lot more settled in the job and rhythm of what an apprentice does.

Basically my time during the week is split into two different places: CSM and the afterschool art program.

At CSM (Center for Student Missions) my main responsibilities include buying food for groups at Aldi’s, leading pre-visits for leaders serving with us later in the year, and putting together packets for groups coming in during the spring. I’ve also been host a couple groups that have come in through these last couple months. I’ve really enjoyed being able to see the behind the scenes of how CSM works, since being a city host this summer. I’ve also enjoyed reconnecting with ministry sites as I host sporadically throughout the spring.

But most of my week is spent at the afterschool art program I volunteer at in North Philadelphia. The program comes out of a larger community center (Ayuda) in the neighborhood of Hunting Park. Part of my job with them has been to help brand the art program itself, which is called orange.korner.arts (OKA). This has been a really great experience for me, since I enjoyed studying graphic design in school. I was able to help create a logo and add an identity to this particular space.

At the OKA house, kids are able to come and hang out in a safe, encouraging space. Most of the kids that come through the house age between 10 and 14 years old. There are also art classes offered in the spring and fall. Right now, I’m actually teaching a Graphic Design class and have four students in my class. We’ve just finished up working on our personal logos. It’s been really great to see how the kids respond to what we’re teaching and talking about, not just in the classroom, but also in the house itself – just in the day to day.

It’s been great to interact with these kids, not just on a basic level of helping with homework and playing games, but also on a spiritual level of really being able to invest in their lives and talk openly about what God is doing in them, in the house, and in the neighborhood. I’m so often blown away by the power and wisdom that these kids speak with. It really is incredible the perceptions they have on life, at such a young age. This spring we look forward to having our spring show where the students will be able to showcase their work.

Life in Philly has been pretty busy these last couple months. It’s been great to have the weather changing and see the leaves and flowers blooming in the city. It really does change the feel and rhythm of this place. I look forward to the next couple months as spring continues to descend upon us. As the projects in the art classes come together and students begin to better understand their identity in God. As new hosts come in to the city and are guided and prepared for their summer. As God continues to show me how I fit into the make up of this big crazy world. I look forward to these things and put my hope and trust into what God is going to continue to do in that time.

Thanks for journeying with me. If you feel like you would like to help support me financially in whatever way you can, please check out the CSM website to donate. When you enter the information, just make sure that you specify it is for Tricia in Philadelphia.

If you’d like to support me in prayer – please continue to do so! And if you’d like to let me know or get specific prayer requests, just shoot me back an email. I always love hearing from people. Thanks again for being a part of what I’m doing here. It’s so great to know that I have support from friends and family all over the country.

grace&peace.

breakfast.

2010-04-13T07:48:00.000-07:00

I've noticed a recent trend on the blogs that i like to keep up with on somewhat regularly, and that is the inclusion of pictures of breakfast foods, or really any foods at all. so here is my entree into the world of documenting the most important meal of the day.

this is pretty consistently my set up for breakfast on the mornings when i have time to enjoy such a moment.

two scrambled eggs, piece of toast, juice, and coffee.

i first enjoyed having juice with my coffee and breakfast when i was new york a couple summers ago.

this morning i was also able to enjoy reading out of my alma mater's newspaper. my mom frequently sends me the crusader in order to connect back with home and get the latest news on campus. this paper was especially special because it included an article about the new resident director for holly, and coincidentally, one of my most favorite people: kylee lynn vienna.

it really is great to be able to have a piece of home, and start my day off connecting with that. i miss those great college days when everything revolved around the small little world you were living in. it was safe and known. there always seemed to be things to do or people to see. i look forward to having a grown up version of that someday.

spring....

2010-04-11T19:08:00.000-07:00

this title came in automatically when i started typing it which makes me think that perhaps i've already posted some with this title. but spring comes around every once and a while, so it's bound to get repeated at some point.

you might notice that i've changed the colors of my blog, and the picture at the top. i have to be honest and say that the reason for this comes out of my own guilt. see, the design i had before was pretty much a knock-off of another blog of a friend of mine. i really meant to give her credit, but when the time came to do so, i couldn't find the link to her blog anymore.

so the guilt has gotten too much for me and now i must apologize:

amanda, i'm sorry i stole you're blog design. really, it's because i wasn't feeling too inspired when the time came to change my own and i had always just admired the simplicity of yours. i hope you can forgive me.

this girl is talented. seriously, i always look forward to her photography. and she just set up a website, so you should check that out: amanda cherie.

now that that's out of the way...

i'm pretty excited about this new sensation i'm experiencing called spring: cool air, sunshine, wearing jeans and t-shirt, and of course walking around in my toms.

i've spent quite a couple phone conversations sitting on my roof. it's been pretty glorious.

easter was last weekend and i was able to spend it with my grandparents in zionsville, which is just about an hour and a half outside the city. it was so great to spend time out in the country. i so miss the smell of fresh air.

it's been interesting these last couple months, processing life and what not. when i visited i had quite a few people tell me they were surprised i didn't really enjoy city life, and were sure that i would stay over here after my internship. but as i was driving through the small town and wide open fields to my g.parents' house, i felt so refreshed and renewed in life. it was so great to feel like i could actually breathe freely, instead of constantly struggling for air.

see, i'm the girl that has to take 40 min drives outside town to clear my head. i love driving down 12th, until it just about hits melba, and then turning around. just that drive to me (especially at night with the stars shinning) has become something almost essential to me. and even as i write this, i realize i haven't really seen the stars in a long long time.

i'm getting so anxious to get home and be in the place where i feel like i really belong. but i know the time will come when i can take those drives again. and the time is coming quick. i look forward to more spring days here and hopefully i'll be able to have the motivation to take advantage of those.

happy spring.

and if you can, take a nice long drive for me.

twofer.

2010-01-12T14:30:00.000-08:00

i realize this is a two-for-one deal, but i'm sitting in this coffee shop, feeling inspired, and i just have to run with that.

amongst my joy of gifting to other people, i also received some glorious gifts from others.

this is a great little mug from my wonderful friend jolleen. the "t" is for tricia - in case you couldn't guess. it's one of those great giant mugs that can be used for a nice cup of tea, or for soup.

this little guy is from my brother, and i have so enjoyed having it my life.

and this little lady is of course such a joy to my life. i'm sad not to be able to have a companion like her while i'm in philly.

christmas was really so great to spend with friends and family. it's been an interesting journey for me to visit home after these long extended times away. this really is the first time i've lived away from the place i grew up. it's an odd feeling. so much of what i know and love is in one place and i'm not sure how to function away from that. how do you live in a place that feels so far away from your heart? especially when the place that is so close to your heart is so far away. how do you live in a place that you feel so out of place in? how do you find your place in that?

craftings.

2010-01-12T13:26:00.000-08:00

welcome to the new year.

i hope 2010 has been treating you all well.

here in philadelphia it's been pretty cold, and actually snowed one day while i was here. i did, however, miss the 2nd biggest snow storm in the history of the city. but i'm not sure louise could have handled it, so to be honest, i'm not sorry i missed it. speaking of louise, she is doing well and running just fine - which is a huge answer to a prayer, considering she hadn't been run or started for the 2 weeks that i was home.

currently the weather in philly is very sunny, but still cold. apparently, there's supposed to be this january thaw time which pushes the cold weather up to a whopping 50 degrees later this week.

i am so ready for spring. i used to think that i was a winter-type person because i like sweaters. but i think since i've gotten older and really realized who i am, i understand how truly inconvenient it is to live in the winter season and all i want is to put on my cutoffs and toms and walk around in the glorious rays of the sun.

oh wait, that's exactly what i'll be doing in less than two weeks! yes folks, tricia snyder is headed over to los angeles at the end of this month. csm is having staff training there, so it's required that go. poor poor me.

but enough feeling sorry for myself, here's some stuff i had been working on during the weeks leading up to christmas:

this year i decided to make all of my gifts for people so these are the envelopes for my little lady friends.

these are the cards themselves, i got the inspiration from an anthropologie card i got in the mail.

this is the whole package deal i made for miss aubrey, it's a headband with a flower that buttons off if you so desire, in case the outfit doesn't call for such a thing.

this one is for miss jolleen. i was very pleased with the color because i thought it was a very jolleen blue. and what do you know? on the day i gave it to her, she was wearing tights of that exact same color. God thing.

this is the neck scarf i made for kylee. i really like the color as well. as alex said, "good grey."

and all these were done in the couple weeks between thanksgiving and christmas, as i just re-taught myself how to crochet again. i've been pretty proud of my little projects, but i'm not sure where to go from here. i think i want to make a blanket, but i'm not sure i'm for that task. we'll see.

new layout

2009-12-23T14:16:00.000-08:00

hope you all enjoy the new layout. i must say that i am enjoying it myself. i guess this is what happens when you are on vacation and get used to doing nothing, while you sit on the couch and watch star wars (not the good ones, but episode III was on tv so....). lately i have been working on a lot of crocheting stuff, which i'll post as soon as i get pictures taken. and i've given out two of my christmas gifts which i have been so excited for.

with all that i've made, i'm sorta thinking about starting an account on etsy and seeing what kind of action i can get out of that. i'm not sure that i have the motivation to actually follow through with that. but we'll see.

also i've added a new blog to my sidebar : http://whatiseewhatireadwhatihear.blogspot.com. it's under "alex2". these are the thoughts alex has on movies, music, and books. i'm pretty quick to trust alex's opinion on things, so you should too.

christmas.times

2009-12-08T13:00:00.000-08:00

i don't know why it's so hard for me to keep up on my blogging (maybe it's because i'm not sure that any one reads these things anymore) but more likely it's because i want to be so methodical when i post, that i put a lot of pressure on myself.

in an effort to get over that, here's something sweet and short. i've decided to try to add more pictures to my blog - since other people i've seen do that and i love it on theirs. this is a birthday present for a very special person that i am about to send out this afternoon.

this year i have decided to make all of my gifts, seeing as how i don't have much money, and way too much time on my hands. although, that hasn't really been the case this last week. in fact, i brought all my christmas present stuff with me from home, thinking i'd get it all done before i got back, but now i'm not sure i'll be able to finish in the nine days! that i have left in phila before christmas in namps. i am so happy to be going home again so quickly, but also really grateful for the time i've had to invest in this city.

more pictures of more crafy time to come (fingers crossed). thanks to all of you out there who keep up on your own blogging and stop in to see mine every once and a while.

road.trip

2009-11-10T12:54:00.000-08:00

here are the entrees from my road trip journal from idaho to philadelphia.

the journey begins...

day 1:

the first couple hours of the journey includes driving in a vast sea of nothingness and sagebrush. but i believe we are making good time. left the house around noon and stopped in rupert. id for lunch at a diner called the wayside cafe. the burgers were delightful and satisfying. at this point i'm hopeful that we are making good time and will hopefully get out of the state soon and on to new adventures.

welcome to wyoming: home of the last cowboy.

oh wyoming. how great a state you are. home to joe v. and lots and lots of nothing, but also home to little america which we are enjoying with great delight (although the signs getting here were more than excessive). currently i await my chicken fried steak and dinner roll. as we pulled into this oasis, we were greeted with a long processional of rv's and semi-trucks. thank you for making us feel so at home.

day 2:

today was fairly uneventful, although we did cross three states in one drive. also, nebraska has made my list of places i'd never like to see again - like kenewick. sara barellis took us across the border into iowa - which was so glorious and refreshing. things that were eventful for the day: john wayne birth place, lady of peace shrine, and the kum and go gas station.

wyoming –> nebraska –> iowa

day three: chicago

today was glorious! we finally made it to chi-town! i was so excited to see my pow.wow people (minus jon of course). roads in chicago are terrible. and priscilla let us stay in her house - in her bed even. mom and i are still enjoying our adventure for the most part, but are glad to have a couple days of break.

day four: chicago cont.

today mom and i explored the town via suggestions of our great local friends. we first went to get some coffee at pick me up cafe - a favorite spot of mr. ian simkins. we then went to wicker park to walk around and enjoy little shops. i must pause here to say that louise is doing so well and i am so proud of her. also, she looked damn good in the city. the evening was spent making a delicious dinner, smoking on the porch, listening to records, and watching a movie. pretty great for one night. also louise and i were able to take a tour of elgin with our tour guide, ian. in the midst of this, we were chased by judson security. i think my time in chi-town is complete.

day five: indiana

today was not as full of conquering as i'm sure my mom and i would have liked. although - we were able to see family in indiana. we met matt at taco bell, of all places, and then drove to nikki's house. so good to see them and aunt denise must say that my love for my cousin grew as i saw how sarcastically she dealt with her kids. gave me hope for the days when i become a mom and can still be myself with my kids.

day six: pennsylvania

we are here! finally this glorious day has arrived. we have made it to this great state and are really philly-bound. on this west side of pa the leaves are really beginning to change. to which i bring the company of fleet foxes, the tallest man, and sufjan stevens. thanks boys - bring me into philly.

day seven: philadelphia

this is the last and final entry for this trip - this chapter of the journal at least. i spent the last couple days that my mom was here getting settled into my room and my home away from home. it truly has been an epic journey. and honestly, i can't help but think about what the trip home will be like - maybe this time camping with my brother. i am so thankful to have been able to share this adventure with my mom. i couldn't have imagined it without her.

w.e.l.c.o.m.e.h.o.m.e

Lord beer me strength.

2009-10-13T07:19:00.000-07:00

it has been over two weeks since my mom and i began our journey across this great nation of ours. and almost two weeks since we arrived at our destination, leaving me in philadelphia once again for a new adventure.

i came into this city with certain understandings and expectations. i expected to be able to figure out my way around with slight ease. i expected to find my place and understanding here. i expected to feel a sensation when i saw the sky-line again, saying to myself, “this is my city”. but things didn’t fall into place that easily.

my first days here i struggled with feel lost and so out of place. i felt like a fake and a phony and believed that everyone could see that on my face - like i had this giant label on my forehead that said, “outsider. does not belong here”. it could also have something to do with my idaho plates.

still, i so expected to feel at home, and that sense of peace just wasn’t coming to me.

thankfully, i have a friend here in the city – jon is doing student teaching for the fall. in all the sense of lostness that i feel, it’s good to have someone to lean on a little bit.

one of my biggest goals for my time here was to find and get engulfed in a church community. and the last couple weeks i’ve been attending meetings at a church called circle of hope. it’s been a really great experience. the people are genuinely friendly and really focused on building community. the first week i was there, rod (the pastor) encouraged us to pray for the next 100 people we would meet/come in contact with. to be conscience of that and our influence on them and the possibility that they might make a covenant with that community. i found that so refreshing.

then on thursday i joined jon for his cell group. we spent the first couple minutes of our time split up into pairs walking around old city area praying for different things or people that we saw. and it was such an interesting experience.

see, old city is a part of philly that is more so the “nice” part of town. it’s a lot of mid-class single people living in one bedroom apartments. these people walk their dogs and shop at trader joe’s and own semi-nice cars, or at least a nice bike. they may be going to school or working full-time. they are in their mid-20’s to early 30’s. they live by themselves and work hard to keep that veneer of independency up.

as i began to pray for the people living there, the neighborhood in west philly kept coming back to my mind. people would pass by me on pine street and i'd try to say hello and then be hit with that awkward moment when you realize that other person isn't going to make eye contact with you - much less say hello. while in west phila, people would talk to you and say hello and pull your ear whether you welcomed that or not.

when i went home, one of the first things i would tell people was how friendly people in the city were. and those listening to me would be so surprised and i'd smile because i felt like i had found some precious gem that everyone else had missed. but walking around old city was so different. and i realized that with all the "wealth" these people had in their materials, there was such a desolation of spirit. and in west philly with all the desolation of material, there was such a wealth of spirit and community present there.

so as we gathered back together as our cell group we ask the question

why is community important?

and of course, being the educated theologian that i am, i pull out my brian mclaren podcast and say, that while God was creating the earth and animals - he gave all these things to adam to be in relationship with, they weren't yet satisfying. and mclaren goes on to state that even God himself was not satisfying enough for the hunger and thirst of relationship that adam had. so God gave him eve.

and finally it clicked.

it all came together.

adam had found the creature, partner, equal, to be in relationship with and he didn't have that desire or sense of loss, that he had so experienced before.

and i can't help but think of david bazan's first words in "hard to be":

you've heard the story

you know how it goes

once upon a garden we were lovers with no clothes

fresh from the soil

we were beautiful and true

in control of our emotions till we ate the poison fruit

and now it's hard to be a decent human being

and this is why we struggle to do things on our own and walk our dogs without making eye contact with our neighbors. because we really do crave to be in relationship and community with one another, it's how were created, it's a desire that comes from our basic humanity. but because of our broken choices, we are left with this severed relationship to everything around us - especially with each other.

so community becomes a restoration of the true and beautiful picture that God first laid out for us. we are embracing the purity of ourselves by being in community with one another.

things are getting better. i’m beginning to feel more and more connected. i think i can see a place and purpose for myself, where that was becoming cloudy before. there is still more that God is going to continue to do with me, and i know that. still more that i need to work on and process through, but i know he doesn’t give up on me and won’t do so in the future. he is bringing thoughts and themes into my life daily – and a big one is patience. this will all take time. it will take time for me to get connected to the world around me. it will take time for me to find my place here. it will take time for things to fall into place.

so patience.

and trust.

trust.

and for all these things, i ask that God would give me strength.

Lord beer me strength.

qualifications.

2009-08-23T10:01:00.001-07:00

a couple weeks ago i applied for a job to continue on with an apprenticeship at csm in philadelphia. part of the application process was to write out why i felt that i was qualified for the job. here's a little piece of that:

I was working in one of our more disheveled ministry sites a couple weeks ago. The last time I had been there, my group and I spent three days painting a tight stairwell and cleaning out a dusty basement – neither of which had even the slightest ventilation. The site had their maintenance man leading us through this wonderful journey – his name was Wayne. Wayne was this sort of this one-man show, a jack-of-all-trades. Basically anything that had to be done at the main building, or at the various housing sites, had to be done by this one man. In this basement, I quickly realized that all the work we were doing was basically everything Wayne would have had to do himself. So if no one else would appreciate the work we were doing – Wayne would.

But on this day that I showed up (again not knowing what we were doing) I was greeted by Wayne and his readiness for us to clear lots at the residential buildings. Upon arriving at the second house we were cleaning, Wayne pulled me aside and asked if I was in school and what I was doing with my life. I told him that I had actually just graduated and that I didn’t particularly know what I was doing with my life. Then Wayne proceeded to tell me that I should work with some kind of community development because I seemed to be very organized and he suspected I would probably also be very good at organizing people. Now I’m not really the type of person to believe that God often speaks in a literal, audible voice; rather I think He speaks to me in feelings and nudges. In a thought that sparks in my mind out of nowhere. But in this moment, when Wayne was speaking to me in the kitchen of this house, I had to just step back and say, “Okay God, I hear you.”

I’ve always said that I would not like to work in a traditional box-set job: teacher, preacher, counselor. And in this last year, I’ve realized how important it is for me to work with people. I’ve realized that I cannot be fulfilled without that. Which is what drew me to the hosting job with CSM in the first place.

Here I have learned to push beyond my own comfort boundaries and God has really given me grace and peace and strength in places that I so desperately needed it. To be able to talk to a stranger on the streets. To be able to hug a child that I’ve barely known a week. To build relationships with people that I’ve had just a couple interactions with.

I believe that God has called me to work with people in some sort of ministry setting. And this summer I have realized just how important urban ministry is. I have learned to love people I couldn’t have seen myself even having a conversation with before. My desire now, is just pour more of myself into that community and continue to experience love beyond my own understanding.

here's a link for the job description: http://www.csm.org/apprenticeship.php

also, i did get the job.

cleanse us of all cleanliness.

2009-07-22T19:10:00.000-07:00

i wonder sometimes what God really thinks of me. i always equate these different things with Him when i’m in some kind of meditative state. either it’s the bug flying around next to me. or it’s the tree that catches my focus , or it’s the bird that hopes up beside me. i like to think and tell myself that God is in those things, or that He sent them to me to help give me some kind of little understanding of who He is. to push some point further that He already has set in my mind.

and yet, for some reason, there’s this little piece of me that finds all of that ridiculous. and i’m not sure where that comes from. maybe it’s just the cynic in me that wants to be a realist. maybe it’s the “lifeboat” person that doesn’t want to people to see how crazy i might actually be. or maybe it’s the whispers of someone trying to bring me down. i used to believe in the power of satan, you know. i used to see and all out the serious power he had on people’s lives and my own. but then people started giving him all this credit. they were constantly blaming him, instead of taking the responsibility for their own choices. suddenly satan became this excuse to do whatever the hell you wanted because you could then back it up by saying, “the devil made me do it”. so my counter-action was to start rolling my eyes and thinking everyone was an idiot and didn’t have the balls to fess up to what they had done – and just take the consequences of their actions. and while i still mostly think this, i also wonder if maybe i’ve let my guard down a little, if maybe i’ve let whispers in of doubt and distrust. if maybe i don’t get it as much as i thought i did – and if maybe i have lost something in the transition of becoming a well-educated adult.

because in my head, i really do think that God could send those things to me. not because i am someone incredibly special, but because i am a romantic. and God knows this. He understands this about me to the depths that no one else has seen – or will ever see. and because He knows this i think He does send those things to me, and i think He does plant those thoughts in my mind. i think that God is so beyond our understanding that He can be completely present with me in this moment. and be completely present with the lady sitting two benches down from me in the same. He can have all His focus and energy on me – and at the same time be playing with the imagination of the kid by the fountain – in his footy pajamas.

i sat by a fountain today and watched a group of small children playing. and it just amazed me how beautiful God made little kids to be. i watched as they ran without inhibition or hesitation. literally throwing their bodies into the centrifugal force of their movement. and it made me think about the words of Jesus – calling us to child-like faith. and often times we think of that in terms of thought – that we should just accept what God is saying to us because He’s God and He said it. but when i saw these kids running without worrying about how they were going to stop, or where exactly their feet were going to land in the process – i wondered if maybe that kind of action and attitude is something kids have figured out – and God wants us to pay attention to. because ministry and loving people, can be really difficult if you’re always watching where you step, and constantly worrying about the end result – if you’re always wondering what germs you’re going to get from a homeless guy who sneezes on you. think about it – kids don’t care about germs. they love em. they are innately drawn to the object that contains the most dirt and grime. and society, Christian or otherwise, is often going in the other direction of Jesus; which is why we have this conspiracy invading our lives of making people OCD. seriously, every other commercial or ad is about how many germs your kid has on him at any time. and how that one booger from another kid is going to infect yours with some terrible disease. it’s ridiculous. my best memories of my childhood are ones where i’m playing in dirt or mud. i played with worms and frogs. and if my cookie fell on the ground, you best damn well believe that i picked that baby up, brushed it off and ate that thing whole.

what kind of society of children are we raising that is afraid of those things? what kind of adults are these kids going to make? do i really want to live in a world where the leaders of our society are constantly putting on anti-bacterial ointment every two minutes? and how does all of that translate in the world of Jesus?

what are we really saying to our kids, or ourselves, when everything has to be wiped with anti-bacterial before we can touch it? what is our world going to look like if all we’re preaching is to be scared of everything?

i think Jesus is calling us to something beyond all that. i think He is calling us to run like children run. to not worry about every little step we take, but to run at life with full force; and if we happen to fall, He is there to help pick us up and kiss our boo-boo’s and tell us to get over it and keep playing – because what is summer and what is life without a couple battle wounds?

divers-city.

2009-06-28T09:28:00.000-07:00

yes folks, it's a two in one day.

this excerpt is from just a couple days ago when i was walking around the center city area. sometimes, we have the groups explore chinatown, and while they do this, we get to go off by ourselves. it's only an hour, so there's not a whole lot of time to do much. but i've begun a routine where i will go into the redding market (which is sort of an inside farmer's market), get some coffee, and then walk some blocks over to love park and sit by the fountain.

i just love walking around this city.

the buildings are so grand.

the people are so diverse.

and i am such a cheese ass.

walking into love park, a man asked me how to spell "slip" - as in slip and fall. at first i was terrified because i heard the words "how do you spell..." and i, as we al know, am not a great speller. but when i heard the word we was asking me to spell - "slip", i felt relieved. this word i knew how to spell. but then i realized the deeper meaning of this man asking me, a stranger, to spell a simple word. how many people walked by before he had the courage to ask the spelling of this simple word? how embarrassing was it for him to have to even ask in the first place?

when i gave him the correct spellage - he thanked me and added -

"it's been a long time"

and i fully realized the implications of what he was asking. apparently he was filling out some kind of job application and it wasn't that he didn't know how to spell the word, per-se, but it was more that he was out of practice and perhaps was simply drawing a blank.

either way - here was this man. it love park. trying to do something better for his life. trying to push beyond his circumstances. and asking this tiny little girl, which big yellow sunglasses, how to spell a simple word.

also - i'm pretty sure someone renewed their vows in the park today, under the love sign.

good stuff. and it's only 10 am...

...

the interesting thing about this day, was that i also got to send my group to explore a part of philly called olde city. this is the area that has all that historical touristy stuff, but it's all the area that is my most favorite. there's great little shops and bookstores and coffee places and parks. again, when we take groups here we let them roam around on their own, which gives us some time to ourselves to rest and recharge. so here is another chunk from that day.

today i sat in a coffee shop and nearly fell asleep.

so i walked outside to the park by independence hall and sat on a bench and read.

before that, though, i had a good chat with a friend of mine abut life and plans and heart.

and as i told her about how i am falling in love with this city, i began to understand the reality of what i was saying. that i really do feel my heart calling out to this place. that i really do feel a responsibility to stay here and invest more in the city that is already teaching me so much. because what good is it going to do for me to leave?

and this friend made a good point that even if i move to seattle to be closer to home - i still probably won't go home anymore than if i lived here. and if my heart is really somewhere else - then i should be where my heart is.

i still get this overwhelming feeling. of feeling separated from this sense of an old life and part of that is i find myself caring less and less about theological systems. and maybe it's just that i'm reading donald miller and being totally influenced by his words. but i think maybe, part of it at least, is that this city is really getting to me.

because when i'm sitting next to a woman in a wheelchair who can barely speak and can't even pull her own body up to sit straight, theological systems don't matter.

and when i'm at an after school program and the "teacher", who hasn't showered, and thinks wearing a dirty shirt and shorts is dressing appropriately for public because they are the exact same color and therefore matching, is yelling at the kids and bitching about the heat, when these kids probably go home to unair-conditioned, packed houses every day, and i'm just sitting with a young vietnamese girl, who when she plays house and serves me food, i'm ashamed to say, i visualize myself at a restaurant being served by her as my waitress and i fear that this might indeed one day be her fate, theological systems, and quite frankly most everything else, goes out the window.

because at the end of the day, all that matters, all that these people need is love.

and love cannot manifest itself out of a system.

because at the end of the day,

all renita needs is love. and the way i can show her that is by touching her shoulder, and at the risk of hurting her and the risk of my personal comfort, push her entire body so she can sit up straight and play uno.

and all linda needs is love. and i can show her how much Jesus loves her by playing house and connect four with her, because in this instance and moment, one person can have her energy and focus entirely on this little girl and tell her how smart and valuable she is.

and even "teacher-lady", whom i have deemed "gladys" because i didn't care to learn her name, and she reminds me of the adult version of gladys from "best christmas pageant ever", even she needs the love of Jesus.

and i am no better or no worse than these. because Jesus came to save me too. and i know this. and i know how much God loves me and how much patience and grace he has for my life. and only he understands the true depths of how much i need it.

Schuylkill /ˈskuːkəl/ ("SKOO-kull")

2009-06-28T09:13:00.001-07:00

so yes, i do realize it is now the end of june and my last post was the beginning of june. sorry to all of you - and especially, sorry mom.

life is just so busy. and when my weeks are packed to the brim, it's hard to be motivated to sit down to a computer and type for hours to catch up on the things i've left out. rather, i would like to spend my time doing nothing, or watching movies, or having a picnic by the schuylkill river at sunset (cause that is really living the dream).

but i understand that there are people out there who care about what is going on in my life, and this grand new adventure that i am a part of. so again, for that, i'm sorry i've forgotten you in the busyness.

i've decided though that i don't want to do a day to day update of everything that is happening in my weeks. frankly i don't care enough to write it, and i'm not sure you care enough to read it (considering my last post, in which i did that, i only got one comment (thanks Z) and the other one i had seven). i follow the numbers people.

so, since i have my journal with me most days, and i feel most methodical when i am writing in that, i think i'll just try doing excerpts from that and see how it goes. hopefully this will give you all more material and make it more motivating for me. because i really do still love the feel of a pen in my hand.

so to get it all started, here's something i wrote in my second week, looking out over the delaware river at penn's landing.

today i walked around the city.

this city that i feel so connected to already - after only three weeks of being here.

this city that is so open and diverse.

this city that allows so many different types of people to call it home.

this city that has called me close to its heart.

this city of brotherly love. where i have learned to love so beyond myself.

and i ask myself:

what will this city mean to me beyond this day?

what is this city calling me to beyond tomorrow?

i wonder if i could see myself living here.

loving here.

God You know the desires of my heart.

but do i even know those things?

continue to reveal Yourself to me.

whatever that means and in whatever context that applies.

You have brought me here.

You have called me here.

continue to call me here every morning.

remind me of the purpose You set out for me.

i am here to love You.

to love myself.

and to love others beyond that.

two weeks.

2009-06-06T08:12:00.000-07:00

sorry it's been two weeks since i last did an update. life has been pretty busy.

yesterday we just finished up our last hours of training with a great pray/worship time at justin's house. it was great to just soak up the presence of God for a good long while. really refreshing. and i think it got us all prepared for the week to come - when our first group get here. but now i'm getting ahead of myself.

i'll go back a couple weeks - starting with 5.23.monday.

we started the week with some basic training stuff to get us thinking about the cultural differences that we might be facing throughout the summer. then we spent the afternoon playing games with the kids of the neighborhood. it was amazing. the kids here are so full of life and spirit - some of them a little too much spirit. but they are so ready and willing to be loved and adored. we played on the street with them for hours (in which time i also learned how to play four-square and now understand why everyone loves it). after playing games, we went to watch the phillies play. and this is another moment where i just loved being in philly.

we took the subway to the stadium and all the people were wearing philllies paraphernalia. and all of them were short and pasty white - and here, i thought, are my people. there were so many men to behold in their beards, it was glorious.

the game was good too, but i'll be honest, my favorite part was when the entire stadium started doing the wave together. also the $1 hotdogs weren't bad either.

tuesday. 5.26

on this day, krista (justin's wife) came and did "character inventory" with us. which is basically a personality test that puts you in four different categories - visionary, people, plans, and doing. after taking the test, you figure out what you're top two are and that basically describes you. well i, my dear friends, am a four-part blend. which means that my highest and lowest score were on 3 points away from each other. the test itself also implied that i may have an identity crisis, to which i responded, up yours.

but this was a really good moment for me, and for the group. it helped us understand where each other was coming from, and how we might handle different situations throughout the summer. and this is why i love personality tests - it brings such great understanding and life is so much easier that way.

the afternoon was filled with visiting different ministry sites, and then for dinner we experienced our first ethnic restaurant, pattaya, a vietnamese place. even though we went to many other places throughout the week, i think this was my favorite of all of them.

wednesday. 5.27

this was the first day we were able to experience serving in one of our ministry sites. we served at MANNA, which provides meals for those too sick to prepare for themselves. it's a great organization and is able to deliver three meals a day for an entire week, at the very beginning of that week. i had a lot of fun at this place, and i'm excited to be serving there the rest of the summer.

later in the day we visited Honickman, which is an afterschool/summer school program. the lady that runs this is awesome. she's this crazy lady with a red afro named miss chris. when we met her, she was wearing a bright orange sweater, and african jewelry, and just talking it up like there was no tomorrow. this is another place that i'm really excited to be serving at. it will be a lot of fun to hang out with kids from the city.

thursday 5.28

on this day, we spent most of the morning training again. we also had our first guest speaking, chris lahr. chris helped shane claiborne start "the simple way" here in philly. his words were really inspiring and powerful. i think for me, it really helped push me into that mindset of seeing people the way Jesus does and loving them right where they're at. it was just really fulfilling to hear from someone who has such hope and love for the people of this city.

(notice this is going quick, but we have a lot to catch up on so on we go...)

friday 5.29

this morning we spent time doing the chinatown tour, which basically gives groups the opportunity to walk around the chinatown of philly. it was good to experience this for ourselves, so we could be able to talk to the groups about their experiences there.

saturday 5.30

this day was really good. we did what's called the city search. basically it gave us a chance to walk around olde city, which is the oldest, most historic part of philadelphia. one of the first things we did was walk into the old quaker meeting house. there was an older man there, kind of taking care of it, and gave us a semi-brief history of the quaker movement and what it all entailed. i think this was the favorite part of my day. i had never really heard a lot about the quakers and what they actually believe. it was really interesting. some of the things that i really took away from it, was the idea that they believe God exists in all people, and therefore all religions. so they're not really threatened by people believing different things. it was really fascinating to get a quick look into the journey and history of another group of believers.

that night we had cheesesteaks for the first time since being in philly. i had wiz with onions on mine, and a birch beer. i'll be honest, it was the best i've ever had (but i was in store for a better cheesesteak later in the week). we also got a chance to see the film crew for parking wars, which was pretty exciting and made me think of home.

sunday 5.31

this sunday we got to choose where we wanted to go, and so we went to a small episcopalian church in the neighborhood. it was really interesting. i've never experienced a service where i had to follow along to the order of service so carefully. i also got a chance to have wine with communion for the first time - good stuff. the service was interesting. i'm not sure that i've ever smelled so much incense in one church service. but getting serious now, it was a good experience to go to a church service that was a little out of my element. and i really do like experiencing some sense of tradition. i think tradition is important and sometimes necessary. so it was good to go to a service that emphasized that.

monday 6.1

june already. this morning i got to share devotions with the rest of my staff. i talked about the story of hosea and gomer - just to kind of emphasize the idea that no matter what we do, or what the people of the city have done, or what the kids in the groups have done, God will still love us and seek a relationship with us. he will continue to woo us no matter what we do. and then i summed it all up with some words from Jesus about loving others because God first loved us.

we continued with training and visiting ministry sites, including the Inglis House. this is a place for people that are strictly in wheelchairs, either by different illnesses or accidents. the guy who gave us a tour is named Bob and he was amazing. he has such a heart for the residents there and really was so encouraging to us.

tuesday 6.2

on this day we were lead in training by Dan, who is the president of csm. yes the big-wig himself. Dan is in his early fifties and from new york city, and is just that classic picture of a new yorker. he was so funny and sarcastic, and at the same time, this guy really knows what he's talking about. he is so in tune with urban ministry and how to be with people in the city. he was a great inspiration to all of us and really encouraged us in some refreshing ways that i think all of us interns really needed.

wednesday 6.3

i think this was one of my favorite days of training. on this day justin drove us out to new jersey to a summer camp that he used to go to as a teenager. we did some low ropes course stuff and trust building crap that all groups have to go through always. but really, it was great. it was so neat to see how all of our individual personalities and strengths manifested themselves through this process of trying to figure out how to get 15 people on a small block of wood. just great. and through planning and careful articulation, we made over the wall in 12 min flat (or somewhere around there). which is the fastest i have ever seen anyone in the history of the world get over that thing.

after lunch we took about an hour to ourselves. this was much needed for my dear little self. i've realized over the last couple years how important my alone time is for myself. i took the time to sit on an old wooden chair on the bridge of this little stream. it had a perfect view of the woods. i wrote in my moleskine, read my Bible, listened to music, and just soaked up the presence of God. i felt so refreshed and fulfilled afterwards.

perfectly content.

thurs 6.4 (we're almost there)

we took this day to experience the urban plunge, in which time we drop our group in the heart of kensington and let them walk around this part of the city, trying to find someone to bless with two dollars. so we interns were split into two groups. my group ended up buying a haircut for the next person to walk in the barber shop. it was really uncomfortable to walk around all by ourselves. and difficult too to try to figure out how to help someone - cause you can't just walk up to somebody and ask if they're homeless, and could i please buy something for you because you look like you could use two dollars worth of something. but it was a good thing to experience and i think we all ended up feeling satisfied with our blessings, and maybe a little uncomfortable with the process.

and a little uncomfort never hurt anyone.

friday 6.5

amazing race.

this morning we took a couple hours to participate in the csm amazing race. if you've not seen the show, first of all you are missing out, second of all, it's basically a race around the world and you have to make certain stops and pick up clues that will lead you to your next destination. for us, that included ministry sites and restaurants. this was one part of training that i was both nervous and excited for. but it ended up not turning out so well. my group got really really lost and it was pouring rain all day and traffic was bad and pretty much anything that could go wrong did.

there were some moments in there that were good. on the times when i had to give directions i pretty much had a good idea of where i was going, and how to get there. and i also had an opportunity to drive around the city, and that was really sweet. i was very proud of my city driving skills.

this day also signified the last day of our training. the next day would be our first day off and then the day after that we would be getting our first group.

saturday 6.7

there isn't a lot to talk about for this day because there was much of the day that i was awake. we all slept in till almost noon. later we went out shopping and to dinner, but for the most part it was just a chill day.

we did end up having dinner at the perry home and that was fantastic. i must say that i love hurley (their dog) and so look forward to seeing him whenever i get the chance. after dinner we just sat around in justin's living room and sang and prayed together. totally what we all needed to prepare for the week.

sunday 6.8

we went to church at justin's place again. the service was really good, and very much what i needed.

that afternoon we got the house ready and had our first staff meeting.

later that evening the group arrived.....

first days.

2009-05-24T21:01:00.000-07:00

as i first walked out of the airport, i saw a man driving his exposed jeep wrangler. he was an older gentlemen, with a belly large enough size to hold all his wisdom and experience, smoking a big ol' stoggie in between his bearded lips.

i have arrived in philadelphia.

my first days here have been quite a wild one (well, after everyone else showed up). our first dinner was at ralphs - an authentic italian place in south philly. food was great, accents were delicious, and i found myself held speechless just trying to soak up all that was around me.

there are five other people doing internships with me this summer:

jessica is from texas and just finished up her freshman year at texas a&m. she will be my bachelorette buddies as much as we can keep up this summer. but we already share the same favorites for jillian. we also share a deep sex appeal for justin timberlake - although i clearly told her this evening that he is mine and she is not allowed to make-out with him.

katherine is from wisconsin (and yes they do really love cheese there). she just graduated and is planning on going to seminary in boston this fall. she was also home-schooled and was an irish dancer for years and teaches girls now. she is nerd and loves star wars and star trek, and lost - so of course we have already connected on deeper levels than most can understand.

megan is from canada, eh?! just like our lovely friend jillian (see above, in the "jessica" section for reference). she reminds me of my dear friend reed reeder and his green card. her family was like one of the first people to start the salvation army church, or something crazy like that. she has already learned new things about our country - like the first amendment and what the oregon trail is, both the actual event and the game.

josh is from virgina, but goes to school in goshen, indiana. his family is mennonite and he reminds me of a freshman phil westlund. he is studying a political science of sorts, and art (which just adds to his phil-ness).

jon is from michigan. he is the tallest of our group and is reminiscent of a deeper-voiced will ferrell. he's got that good wholesome boy humor about him.

tim is our associate director, he lives in philly full-time now, but is from chicago. he's been the one i've been in most contact with since i got the job here. his ethnic background includes chinese, swedish (or that general area), and hawaiian. he has been mistaken for jon from jon and kate plus 8 (but i don't want to talk about them now).

justin the is the new city director, although he's been a director for csm in the past. he's a shorter stockier guy and is very much what i would think of as a typical nice-boy from philly (well actually new jersey). he has very kind eyes and i think he will be a great support for our team.

his wife krista just had a baby, jack, and was originally going to be the director of sorts for philly this summer, but wanted to be able to stay home full-time and be a mom. she is from a greek family and claims "my big fat greek wedding" to be a perfect depiction of that.

i bring up justin, and krista especially, because one, looking at their child's scowling face i swear i was looking at nate berrian, and two, we had dinner at their place tonight and it was awesome. totally what i think we all needed, and a great way to get to know each other all a little better.

two of the best places to get to know people - around food and around a campfire.

no i have not shown a lot of my crazy yet, it's still too soon people. but i did have a pretty classic tricia moment. basically we were talking about conservative kids not kissing before marriage and how awkward it was (specifically that family on tlc with the crapload of kids). and transitioned into a book i read, FOR SCHOOL, that talked about what churches used to believe about sex. basically it had to do with blood boiling and emitting out of the body, and the phrase in the book said something about it being "kind of like the human espresso machine". well no one laughed, someone walked right in as i said that, and justin had to explain that we were all talking about something fairly harmless and "tricia just took it to another level."

oh what will the good Lord do with me?

we ended the evening with the prayer tour. this is a time where we drive around different areas of the city, talk about who lives there, and pray for those people and the ministries reaching out to them. it's a really great time to see the city in one big swoop and experience the big picture before we get into the grit of it all. unfortunately on the way to our last stop, a car came over the bridge way too fast, and in our lane. it sideswiped us and then proceeded to continue driving. no one was hurt, although a little shaken up. as justin called his insurance company, megan made a comment about not being able to tell her parents about this event; katherine agreed and added that hers would buy a ticked home; i on the other hand, stated that my dad would simple respond with, "welcome to philly."

welcome to philly indeed. i am glad to be here in the land of my ancestors and am excited to explore the city more and continue to see the people as God does. there are two full weeks of training ahead for us all before groups arrive.

the picture i've posted is a collage exercise we did this morning as kind of a way to show who we are. this link (http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=77848553638) will give you a better description of what everything means but i encourage you to look at it first and see what significance you can guess on your own before you look at the answers.

i'm off to bed now.

so good night good friends.

good night sweet city.

plans.

2009-04-03T09:38:00.000-07:00

i've always known plans were important to me.

i like to make plans.

i like to make lists whenever i go somewhere.

i make lists all the time to remember all the little details of my life.

and now i'm just waiting for plans to fall in place....

...and i'm anxious.

in the last year i've realized how many plans i've made and how they have all fallen through. and in my necessity to make plans, every time one falls apart, i feel a little piece of my spirit chip away. maybe i'm being a little melo-dramatic in that.....

but on top of those plans falling through, i have to go through the process of people asking me how this internship is going, or when i'm moving to this new city, or whatever else they've heard that i'm doing, and i have to go through the whole discussion as to what i'm not doing and far behind they are in all the plans that have changed and then catch them up to what's happening in my life now.

it's all a very tiring thing.

and in the months before the last couple months, i didn't really have a whole lot to talk about. i was still living with my parents, still going to school, and still without a real job, and my life felt like it was going nowhere.

but within the last couple months i have found a little ray of hope in some lightly set plans....

i realized that while i love doing design and it's really fun for me and i've learned a lot, it's not really anything that that's going to be fulfilling. i need to work with people. i need to be in their lives, talking about how they operate in the world and in their relationships. so what follows next? any guesses?

well i decided to switch my focus over to psychology and go to grad school for marriage and family counseling. i feel really excited and think that it's one of the best decisions i've made for myself. it's taken me a long time to figure out who i am and to be comfortable living as that person, but now that i have, other things are starting to fall into place, and this job thing is definitely a big one.

another plan i've made, and the one i'm waiting on, is an internship with an organization called center for student missions. google it if you're not sure what it is. basically i would be a city host who would lead different student groups around as they come to the city for mission trips. i would take them to different ministry sites and the process with them throughout the trip. csm requires that you do an on site interview so i flew to denver and shadowed a group for 2 days. then yesterday i had my interview with the people in philadelphia - which is where i want to actually do the internship at. and now i just wait.

but i lack confidence because i feel like history has shown me i should be prepared for these plans of mine to fall through.

yet we all need to bring ourselves back to reality.

while i really do struggle with these plans falling through, really, i wouldn't have wanted them to work out in the end. the things i was pushing myself towards just really didn't fit me, and i had a lot of reservations before even stepping through the door that i should have been more in tune with. and really really, i am so thankful for my life here. sure, i'm living with my parents, but it's free and i've had the opportunity to connect with my family more as people. and sure i'm still at school, but the economy is in the pits and i have a great blessing of my mom being employed at the university. and i've been able to meet and connect with people i wouldn't have otherwise. and sure i don't have a job, but i've got training for one early next week - so actually i do sort of have a job.

basically life is good.

and i'm glad to be here.

i know there are still things in life to come, some things i hope for sooner rather than later, but it will happen. i know i'm taken care of. and i know i'm loved. and i'm not sure there's much more you can ask for beyond that.

except maybe if the sun would like to come out and warm us to spring.

spring....

2009-03-23T08:38:00.001-07:00

...is upon us.

i can feel it in the warmth of the sunshine and the beauty of its radiance.

i can hear it in the sing song of the birds in the trees.

this week is spring break - so that's probably another good indicator.

nothing major planned this week. my family is california and i'm here at home with coco. i have goals this week to clean, be creative, and try to get some plans for the future set in order.

i like having plans.

part of this is that i also plan to start blogging more. so get ready folks - cause the thoughts are gonna start a'flowin!

"good ol' days"

2009-02-01T22:22:00.000-08:00

in case you haven't checked your calendar yet - we are in february of the new year already.

with that possibly in mind, i spent some time looking through my old facebook profile pictures. and while that may seem a little cheesy, it actually was a quick way to look through what's happened these past years.

whether through different haircuts.

or the comments left by people.

it made me think upon where my life has come since then - whenever "then" is.

sometimes it makes me sad the friends i've lost and who has floated out of my life. but i try to remember the good times and what it was like in those days. and i smile.

and i can smile because i know i have people in my life right now that mean so much to me. i am so thankful in so many ways for what my life has become. while i don't really know what i want to do with my life - i think i'm starting to get a grasp on it. and while i'm still living at home, i'm really thankful for the relationship that i have with my family. and while there's not really a specific special boy, i have so many great friends that i wouldn't trade for anything.

i have so seriously learned the value of good, solid friendships.

so as i look on the "good ol' days" when life seemed so different, i can have confidence and hope in what this golden year is to bring.

meadowlark.

2009-01-21T22:59:00.000-08:00

it has been apparent to me that i have not blogged in quite sometime.

and this realization has actually come to me in the form of a wonderful little birdie that i know.

a lot has happened since the last days of my written words.

i turned 23 on the 23rd therefore fulfilling a lifelong goal of having my golden birthday.

i'm not sure how many of you have achieved life goals, but it can be quite unnerving. mine was met with joy and despair (both at the same time, which is one of the joys of being a woman). but a good friend of mine reminded me that it is not only the day that is golden, but the entire year. so i have this entire year to look forward to the golden things of life that i hope to experience.

i got a job at levi's which is now closing in just a matter of days. but i enjoyed my time there and getting to know new and different people.

and while catching up is fun, i'm getting a little bored now because i really got on here to talk about something specific.

for christmas my mom got me the strengths finder 2.o. basically you go on online and take a test that pinpoints five of your greatest strengths - a personality test of sorts. and we all know how much i love that.

after about a half hour i came to find out that mine five strengths are (in this order):

empathy.

connectedness.

communication

individualization.

activator.

i really love learning about myself.

sounds slightly conceded, but really i think understanding yourself is on of the most foundational things a person can have to be able to operate in this world - at least in somewhat of a healthy way. i so enjoy learning new and different things about myself, or further discovering who i am and why i am and how i can be. there were just some great thoughts in those descriptions. and while i'd love to take the time to just copy and paste and talk about everything...it's getting late and i have class in the morning. so i'll leave you with this thought for now: the thing i find most valuable in taking these personality tests is not so something can put me in this little box, but because it makes me feel like i have a place and purpose in this world and in the lives of the people around me.

today.

2008-09-08T15:24:00.000-07:00

lately i have been so blessed with relationships and really investing in the people around me. which is why i told myself i was here. i'm realizing more and more how awesome God is that he really does know us better than we know ourselves. too often i try to do things on my own and then get so frustrated when they don't work out. but when i let go and release everything to God, trusting that he will work it out in ways that i just don't believe i can, i become a new person. things that weighed me down and kept me from joy only a month ago, are not even a sliver of my thoughts day-to-day.

i don't know what my plans are for the next months, or even days, to come, but i'm totally and completely content with that. because i know who i am. i know who Christ has made me. i have a sense of peace and joy that i haven't had for a couple years now.

i praise God because i am so blesssed.

density.

2008-07-29T22:43:00.000-07:00

this is a picture of my great-great-something great- grandmother. it really is one of my favorite pictures of all time, and i couldn't even tell you why.

but the untied shoe-lace is maybe my favorite part.

i have just arrived, in the last couple days, back in town to good ol nampa, id. my last week has been spent in portland figuring out things for my hopeful internship this year.

besides this, i was also in town for a wedding of a good friend of mine.

and i ran into someone from my past that, to be honest, i was not quite ready to see. although i think it might have been one of those things that i was never really ready for, until it just happened.

and what a stepping stone it was.

actually, i jumped across a few stepping stones. i realize more and more how important it is for me to be healthy - to be my own person. not for a boy and not for a friend, but just for myself. i need to be able to wake up in the morning and just breathe in freedom and peace. not have to convince myself that it's going to be okay but just know that it will be.

and let God be in the midst of all this.

i have gotten really cynical about God. i couldn't really hear anything about him without having some sort of cheesy gag reflex. i felt disconnected and frustrated in the distance i felt, but didn't really care to make any change. people have failed me. i have no security.

but in this weekend, with the ups and downs and everything in between, God did not let go. God did not ignore or forget me. and i got real with him. got real with myself. i allowed myself to be raw with him. to be honest about my feelings and emotions. i really cried for the first time in months.

and in this moment of transparency, he lifted me out of the shadows and into the light. i have security in knowing him. in believing that he is all i need. all i desire. all i seek.

i have a new sense of understanding and passion with him. and while i feel i'm still trying to explore what all that means for me right now, i have hope that things are looking much better and maybe i'm finally coming out of the thick forest.

don't wake me i plan on sleeping in.

2008-07-12T01:21:00.000-07:00

so here i am, at 2.23 in the morning, realizing that i haven't blogged in a while and i apparently have nothing better to do.

not that blogging isn't important, but just that at this late at night/early in the morning sleep should probably be the most important.

right now my mind is filled with

thoughts of the future.

thoughts of plans - being made and already broken.

thoughts of relationships - both still present and lost.

and thoughts of where God is.

it might sound cliche but i really don't think i know where he is in my life right now. that's not to say that i don't think he's with me - but just where he is with me. how he fits into my life. how he fits into my plans. how he's going to take care of everything even though i've already messed it up.

sometimes i feel like i don't even know how to talk to him anymore.

i read books, but seem so broken away from it.

all the religious language of "Jesus take the wheel" and "it's all in God's plan" has really just turned me off to the rawness of who God has been and will be in my life.

i'm tired of the sunday school answers.

i want something real.

something i can hold on to.

not physically, but emotionally and intellectually and spiritually.

i don't want to join a cult and i don't want to feel disconnected in church.

i want something real.

iMac

2008-04-27T00:37:00.000-07:00

today my iMac in came in the mail.

20 in.

b-e-a-utiful.

spent pretty much all day working on stuff.

getting settings figured out.

downloading a bunch of stuff.

and still have a lot to do.

went to fridays with some great people.

i've realized that with graduating and all, i really just want to spend the majority of my time with people i'm really going to stay in contact with. this is not to say that other people aren't important to me. the flip-side is that i've really lost connection with those people now - but maybe i just didn't really have it in the first place.

also, scrubs, the office, and lost were awesome this weekend. and once again i realized why God blessed the world with tivo because i didn't have to worry about missing the shows.

sweet dreams all my little babies.

uninspired

2008-04-23T20:46:00.000-07:00

tonight i am feeling completely uninspired - which is not a good think because i have to work on this project for graphic design and right now is the exact moment when i need to be feeling inspired.

today it really hit me.

i'm graduating.

i'm leaving a life that is so familiar and comfortable - for a life totally unknown.

what am i supposed to do with that?

i realized that there are people i will not see again for a very long time - if ever.

and these are people that i've either re-connected with or people i have just recently connected. and it makes me so distraught that i won't really be able to continue that connection.

relationships are tough.

i wish......

i wish i knew what to do.

slippery slope

2008-04-15T13:49:00.000-07:00

i find myself sitting in flying m, yet again, but this time doing homework.

yet in the midst of this, i must pause for thought.

playing in my ear is the album leaf both into the blue and in a safe place albums (but currently into the blue).

and the reason i pause is because of the memories brought back to me by the familiarity of this music and i'm brought back to another time.

last year i was in such a different place. relationships were not even close to what they are now.

it's interesting how certain things can inspire and encourage us. even bring us some sense of comfort in the abyss that we find ourselves in.

and while in most ways i'm glad i'm not in the abyss anymore - in others, i wish i was.

last year was the worst sort of hell i've ever been through. and because of that, i cried out to God in such a real and raw way. because i didn't have anything else. i was left alone with nothing. isn't it interesting how that seems to be such a common occurrence in life? that we don't seek God fully until it is absolutely necessary. but shouldn't everyday be absolutely necessary?

i long for that emptiness.

that emptiness that makes me so desperate for Him.

i long for that rawness.

the rawness that can only be healed and made new by Him.

in these days when i am struggling to finish my college education and move on to something more, i pray that i don't lose sight of all that God has given me. all that He has shown me. all that i have rooted in Him.

dear reeder.

2008-04-14T22:31:00.001-07:00

it seems that i have not been blogging enough in people's opinion so here i am.

i really only have about nine minutes to finish this post because the mac lab is about to close and i'm going to get kicked out.

these photos are actually from a postcard project i have been working on. as some of you might be able to guess, these are from portland. these are just a few of my personal favorites. enjoy.

i have been really stressed and overwhelmed lately with all i have to do before i graduate. boy is it a lot. but i'm feeling a little better since i just finished this project and have a good start on another one. i think one of the hardest things about a project is starting - finding the direction you want to go in. when i find that - it's like my whole world opens up and i'm able to move and create in ways i never thought possible before. okay, maybe i'm stretching, but the basic idea is there.

six minutes left.

i've also enjoyed the company of a couple fellow art students. we've laughed, cried, sung and created all together. it's been a good time. playing halvsies in both the religion and art departments this year has been quite enjoyable. i've liked having the opportunity of exploring two of my passions pretty freely.

welp, security is turing off all the lights so i must leave you all for now.

good night and good luck.

just like the sun, but more like the moon

2008-04-06T21:44:00.000-07:00

this week has been quite devastating if i must say so myself.

nothing it particular - i've just been really sick.

i spent most of the week laying on the couch and the days that i did have some energy to get up and face the world - i ended up crashing probably an hour after.

i'm just glad i don't sound like a young boy who is suffering from a collapsed lung after smoking cigarettes for ten years.

i think my best day of being sick was friday (or thursday, the days get messed together) because i spent the entire day watching star wars (IV - VI, the good years). yes folks, it's true, i love star wars. this marathon came off of watching peter griffin's version of the story, portrayed on family guy. needless to say, it started a hunger in me that i'm glad was satisfied.

tonight was the finally of "here come the newlyweds". with all the writer's strike fiasco - my family was forced to turn to our cheap love of reality tv shows - but this one is good. newlywed couples compete in different tasks that test the understanding and communication between each other. it's just great to watch how this different couples, with totally different stories, work through these simple tasks that you know really lead to something bigger - especially when the in-laws come into the picture. anywho - my personal favorite couple, whom i have come to love - the moutras (spelling?) were the winners of the cash prize tonight. oh it was wonderful.

oh Lord, what would we have done without your blessing of reality tv?

more blogging to come soon.

also, the title of this post is a song lyric - whoever is the first to tell me the song/band this comes from will get a lolly-pop from me.

the next morning

2008-03-28T09:13:00.000-07:00

so with all i've said in the last post about not being too personal - here comes something personal.

last night was rough.

i don't know if i just am the worst person at giving first impressions or what. but i guess i've left a not so great impression at the last place i was and i'm not sure how to deal with it from here on out.

it's hard going into a place with so many expectations and perceptions put on you already - and then to let all those people down....how is one to recover?

i don't know - maybe it's a wake-up call that i need to figure some things out about myself.

but it's hard when it's so bad that the person closest to you doesn't want to talk.

introduction

2008-03-27T20:25:00.000-07:00

first post.

second or third blog.

i've actually tried to start this blog many times before. but the pressure of a title and then a website was too much pressure for me to handle, so i avoided the whole thing. but with all that's apparently spectacular about blogging, i forced myself to sit down and make the hard decisions and commit.

and this is actually the second time i've written this particular blog. it's just so much pressure, i think i really just need to let go.

sometimes things like blogs and notes on facebook, make me feel a little uncomfortable because they seem to share so much and so deep into their personal lives. but i guess maybe that's just an outlet for people, and i shouldn't judge - as much as i wouldn't want them to judge me.

so that being said, i've deleted the second half of this posting and am rewriting as we speak - or rather as i type.

my hopes and aspirations for this particular blog are probably similar to that of most people. i mean why do we start blogs and such? i think in our current society we're looking for an outlet. an outlet to speak, feel, be heard, comforted, and desired. too often we find ourselves looking for those things in static relationships that comprise only of conversations over aim, a text, facebook, or email.

or maybe we just have a large network of people that want to hear random thoughts about our observations of the day-to-day.

either way, dear reader, i hope this blog offers you a chance to see the world the way someone else sees it.

and maybe if my thoughts mean something more to you - we can grab a cup of coffee and discuss it in person.