today.

lately i have been so blessed with relationships and really investing in the people around me. which is why i told myself i was here. i'm realizing more and more how awesome God is that he really does know us better than we know ourselves. too often i try to do things on my own and then get so frustrated when they don't work out. but when i let go and release everything to God, trusting that he will work it out in ways that i just don't believe i can, i become a new person. things that weighed me down and kept me from joy only a month ago, are not even a sliver of my thoughts day-to-day. 

i don't know what my plans are for the next months, or even days, to come, but i'm totally and completely content with that. because i know who i am. i know who Christ has made me. i have a sense of peace and joy that i haven't had for a couple years now. 

i praise God because i am so blesssed.

density.

this is a picture of my great-great-something great- grandmother. it really is one of my favorite pictures of all time, and i couldn't even tell you why.

but the untied shoe-lace is maybe my favorite part.

i have just arrived, in the last couple days, back in town to good ol nampa, id. my last week has been spent in portland figuring out things for my hopeful internship this year. 

besides this, i was also in town for a wedding of a good friend of mine. 

and i ran into someone from my past that, to be honest, i was not quite ready to see. although i think it might have been one of those things that i was never really ready for, until it just happened. 

and what a stepping stone it was.

actually, i jumped across a few stepping stones. i realize more and more how important it is for me to be healthy - to be my own person. not for a boy and not for a friend, but just for myself. i need to be able to wake up in the morning and just breathe in freedom and peace. not have to convince myself that it's going to be okay but just know that it will be. 

and let God be in the midst of all this.

i have gotten really cynical about God. i couldn't really hear anything about him without having some sort of cheesy gag reflex. i felt disconnected and frustrated in the distance i felt, but didn't really care to make any change. people have failed me. i have no security. 

but in this weekend, with the ups and downs and everything in between, God did not let go. God did not ignore or forget me. and i got real with him. got real with myself. i allowed myself to be raw with him. to be honest about my feelings and emotions. i really cried for the first time in months.

and in this moment of transparency, he lifted me out of the shadows and into the light. i have security in knowing him. in believing that he is all i need. all i desire. all i seek. 

i have a new sense of understanding and passion with him. and while i feel i'm still trying to explore what all that means for me right now, i have hope that things are looking much better and maybe i'm finally coming out of the thick forest. 

don't wake me i plan on sleeping in.

so here i am, at 2.23 in the morning, realizing that i haven't blogged in a while and i apparently have nothing better to do.

not that blogging isn't important, but just that at this late at night/early in the morning sleep should probably be the most important.

right now my mind is filled with 

thoughts of the future.

thoughts of plans - being made and already broken.

thoughts of relationships - both still present and lost.

and thoughts of where God is.

it might sound cliche but i really don't think i know where he is in my life right now. that's not to say that i don't think he's with me - but just where he is with me. how he fits into my life. how he fits into my plans. how he's going to take care of everything even though i've already messed it up.

sometimes i feel like i don't even know how to talk to him anymore.

i read books, but seem so broken away from it.

all the religious language of "Jesus take the wheel" and "it's all in God's plan" has really just turned me off to the rawness of who God has been and will be in my life. 

i'm tired of the sunday school answers.

i want something real. 

something i can hold on to.

not physically, but emotionally and intellectually and spiritually.

i don't want to join a cult and i don't want to feel disconnected in church.

i want something real.

iMac

today my iMac in came in the mail.

20 in.

b-e-a-utiful.

spent pretty much all day working on stuff.

getting settings figured out.

downloading a bunch of stuff.

and still have a lot to do.

went to fridays with some great people.

i've realized that with graduating and all, i really just want to spend the majority of my time with people i'm really going to stay in contact with. this is not to say that other people aren't important to me. the flip-side is that i've really lost connection with those people now - but maybe i just didn't really have it in the first place.

also, scrubs, the office, and lost were awesome this weekend. and once again i realized why God blessed the world with tivo because i didn't have to worry about missing the shows. 

sweet dreams all my little babies.

uninspired

tonight i am feeling completely uninspired - which is not a good think because i have to work on this project for graphic design and right now is the exact moment when i need to be feeling inspired.

today it really hit me.

i'm graduating.

i'm leaving a life that is so familiar and comfortable - for a life totally unknown. 

what am i supposed to do with that?

i realized that there are people i will not see again for a very long time - if ever.

and these are people that i've either re-connected with or people i have just recently connected. and it makes me so distraught that i won't really be able to continue that connection.

relationships are tough.

i wish......

i wish i knew what to do.

slippery slope

i find myself sitting in flying m, yet again, but this time doing homework.

yet in the midst of this, i must pause for thought.

playing in my ear is the album leaf both into the blue and in a safe place albums (but currently into the blue).

and the reason i pause is because of the memories brought back to me by the familiarity of this music and i'm brought back to another time.

last year i was in such a different place. relationships were not even close to what they are now.

it's interesting how certain things can inspire and encourage us. even bring us some sense of comfort in the abyss that we find ourselves in.

and while in most ways i'm glad i'm not in the abyss anymore - in others, i wish i was. 

last year was the worst sort of hell i've ever been through. and because of that, i cried out to God in such a real and raw way. because i didn't have anything else. i was left alone with nothing. isn't it interesting how that seems to be such a common occurrence in life? that we don't seek God fully until it is absolutely necessary. but shouldn't everyday be absolutely necessary?

i long for that emptiness.

that emptiness that makes me so desperate for Him.

i long for that rawness.

the rawness that can only be healed and made new by Him.

in these days when i am struggling to finish my college education and move on to something more, i pray that i don't lose sight of all that God has given me. all that He has shown me. all that i have rooted in Him.

dear reeder.

it seems that i have not been blogging enough in people's opinion so here i am.

i really only have about nine minutes to finish this post because the mac lab is about to close and i'm going to get kicked out. 

these photos are actually from a postcard project i have been working on. as some of you might be able to guess, these are from portland. these are just a few of my personal favorites. enjoy.

i have been really stressed and overwhelmed lately with all i have to do before i graduate. boy is it a lot. but i'm feeling a little better since i just finished this project and have a good start on another one. i think one of the hardest things about a project is starting - finding the direction you want to go in. when i find that - it's like my whole world opens up and i'm able to move and create in ways i never thought possible before. okay, maybe i'm stretching, but the basic idea is there.

six minutes left.

i've also enjoyed the company of a couple fellow art students. we've laughed, cried, sung and created all together. it's been a good time. playing halvsies in both the religion and art departments this year has been quite enjoyable. i've liked having the opportunity of exploring two of my passions pretty freely.

welp, security is turing off all the lights so i must leave you all for now.

good night and good luck.

just like the sun, but more like the moon

this week has been quite devastating if i must say so myself.

nothing it particular - i've just been really sick.

i spent most of the week laying on the couch and the days that i did have some energy to get up and face the world - i ended up crashing probably an hour after.

i'm just glad i don't sound like a young boy who is suffering from a collapsed lung after smoking cigarettes for ten years.

i think my best day of being sick was friday (or thursday, the days get messed together) because i spent the entire day watching star wars (IV - VI, the good years). yes folks, it's true, i love star wars. this marathon came off of watching peter griffin's version of the story, portrayed on family guy. needless to say, it started a hunger in me that i'm glad was satisfied.

tonight was the finally of "here come the newlyweds". with all the writer's strike fiasco - my family was forced to turn to our cheap love of reality tv shows - but this one is good. newlywed couples compete in different tasks that test the understanding and communication between each other. it's just great to watch how this different couples, with totally different stories, work through these simple tasks that you know really lead to something bigger - especially when the in-laws come into the picture. anywho - my personal favorite couple, whom i have come to love - the moutras (spelling?) were the winners of the cash prize tonight. oh it was wonderful. 

oh Lord, what would we have done without your blessing of reality tv?

more blogging to come soon.

also, the title of this post is a song lyric - whoever is the first to tell me the song/band this comes from will get a lolly-pop from me. 

the next morning

so with all i've said in the last post about not being too personal - here comes something personal.

last night was rough.

i don't know if i just am the worst person at giving first impressions or what. but i guess i've left a not so great impression at the last place i was and i'm not sure how to deal with it from here on out.

it's hard going into a place with so many expectations and perceptions put on you already - and then to let all those people down....how is one to recover?

i don't know - maybe it's a wake-up call that i need to figure some things out about myself.

but it's hard when it's so bad that the person closest to you doesn't want to talk.

introduction

first post.

second or third blog.

i've actually tried to start this blog many times before. but the pressure of a title and then a website was too much pressure for me to handle, so i avoided the whole thing. but with all that's apparently spectacular about blogging, i forced myself to sit down and make the hard decisions and commit.

and this is actually the second time i've written this particular blog. it's just so much pressure, i think i really just need to let go.

sometimes things like blogs and notes on facebook, make me feel a little uncomfortable because they seem to share so much and so deep into their personal lives. but i guess maybe that's just an outlet for people, and i shouldn't judge - as much as i wouldn't want them to judge me. 

so that being said, i've deleted the second half of this posting and am rewriting as we speak - or rather as i type.

my hopes and aspirations for this particular blog are probably similar to that of most people. i mean why do we start blogs and such? i think in our current society we're looking for an outlet. an outlet to speak, feel, be heard, comforted, and desired. too often we find ourselves looking for those things in static relationships that comprise only of conversations over aim, a text, facebook, or email. 

or maybe we just have a large network of people that want to hear random thoughts about our observations of the day-to-day.

either way, dear reader, i hope this blog offers you a chance to see the world the way someone else sees it.

and maybe if my thoughts mean something more to you - we can grab a cup of coffee and discuss it in person.