plans.

i've always known plans were important to me.

i like to make plans.

i like to make lists whenever i go somewhere.

i make lists all the time to remember all the little details of my life.

and now i'm just waiting for plans to fall in place....

...and i'm anxious.

in the last year i've realized how many plans i've made and how they have all fallen through. and in my necessity to make plans, every time one falls apart, i feel a little piece of my spirit chip away. maybe i'm being a little melo-dramatic in that.....

but on top of those plans falling through, i have to go through the process of people asking me how this internship is going, or when i'm moving to this new city, or whatever else they've heard that i'm doing, and i have to go through the whole discussion as to what i'm not doing and far behind they are in all the plans that have changed and then catch them up to what's happening in my life now. 

it's all a very tiring thing.

and in the months before the last couple months, i didn't really have a whole lot to talk about. i was still living with my parents, still going to school, and still without a real job, and my life felt like it was going nowhere.

but within the last couple months i have found a little ray of hope in some lightly set plans....

i realized that while i love doing design and it's really fun for me and i've learned a lot, it's not really anything that that's going to be fulfilling. i need to work with people. i need to be in their lives, talking about how they operate in the world and in their relationships. so what follows next? any guesses?

well i decided to switch my focus over to psychology and go to grad school for marriage and family counseling. i feel really excited and think that it's one of the best decisions i've made for myself. it's taken me a long time to figure out who i am and to be comfortable living as that person, but now that i have, other things are starting to fall into place, and this job thing is definitely a big one.

another plan i've made, and the one i'm waiting on, is an internship with an organization called center for student missions. google it if you're not sure what it is. basically i would be a city host who would lead different student groups around as they come to the city for mission trips. i would take them to different ministry sites and the process with them throughout the trip. csm requires that you do an on site interview so i flew to denver and shadowed a group for 2 days. then yesterday i had my interview with the people in philadelphia - which is where i want to actually do the internship at. and now i just wait.

but i lack confidence because i feel like history has shown me i should be prepared for these plans of mine to fall through.

yet we all need to bring ourselves back to reality.

while i really do struggle with these plans falling through, really, i wouldn't have wanted them to work out in the end. the things i was pushing myself towards just really didn't fit me, and i had a lot of reservations before even stepping through the door that i should have been more in tune with. and really really, i am so thankful for my life here. sure, i'm living with my parents, but it's free and i've had the opportunity to connect with my family more as people. and sure i'm still at school, but the economy is in the pits and i have a great blessing of my mom being employed at the university. and i've been able to meet and connect with people i wouldn't have otherwise. and sure i don't have a job, but i've got training for one early next week - so actually i do sort of have a job. 

basically life is good. 

and i'm glad to be here.

i know there are still things in life to come, some things i hope for sooner rather than later, but it will happen. i know i'm taken care of. and i know i'm loved. and i'm not sure there's much more you can ask for beyond that.

except maybe if the sun would like to come out and warm us to spring.