density.

this is a picture of my great-great-something great- grandmother. it really is one of my favorite pictures of all time, and i couldn't even tell you why.

but the untied shoe-lace is maybe my favorite part.

i have just arrived, in the last couple days, back in town to good ol nampa, id. my last week has been spent in portland figuring out things for my hopeful internship this year. 

besides this, i was also in town for a wedding of a good friend of mine. 

and i ran into someone from my past that, to be honest, i was not quite ready to see. although i think it might have been one of those things that i was never really ready for, until it just happened. 

and what a stepping stone it was.

actually, i jumped across a few stepping stones. i realize more and more how important it is for me to be healthy - to be my own person. not for a boy and not for a friend, but just for myself. i need to be able to wake up in the morning and just breathe in freedom and peace. not have to convince myself that it's going to be okay but just know that it will be. 

and let God be in the midst of all this.

i have gotten really cynical about God. i couldn't really hear anything about him without having some sort of cheesy gag reflex. i felt disconnected and frustrated in the distance i felt, but didn't really care to make any change. people have failed me. i have no security. 

but in this weekend, with the ups and downs and everything in between, God did not let go. God did not ignore or forget me. and i got real with him. got real with myself. i allowed myself to be raw with him. to be honest about my feelings and emotions. i really cried for the first time in months.

and in this moment of transparency, he lifted me out of the shadows and into the light. i have security in knowing him. in believing that he is all i need. all i desire. all i seek. 

i have a new sense of understanding and passion with him. and while i feel i'm still trying to explore what all that means for me right now, i have hope that things are looking much better and maybe i'm finally coming out of the thick forest. 

don't wake me i plan on sleeping in.

so here i am, at 2.23 in the morning, realizing that i haven't blogged in a while and i apparently have nothing better to do.

not that blogging isn't important, but just that at this late at night/early in the morning sleep should probably be the most important.

right now my mind is filled with 

thoughts of the future.

thoughts of plans - being made and already broken.

thoughts of relationships - both still present and lost.

and thoughts of where God is.

it might sound cliche but i really don't think i know where he is in my life right now. that's not to say that i don't think he's with me - but just where he is with me. how he fits into my life. how he fits into my plans. how he's going to take care of everything even though i've already messed it up.

sometimes i feel like i don't even know how to talk to him anymore.

i read books, but seem so broken away from it.

all the religious language of "Jesus take the wheel" and "it's all in God's plan" has really just turned me off to the rawness of who God has been and will be in my life. 

i'm tired of the sunday school answers.

i want something real. 

something i can hold on to.

not physically, but emotionally and intellectually and spiritually.

i don't want to join a cult and i don't want to feel disconnected in church.

i want something real.