Lord beer me strength.

it has been over two weeks since my mom and i began our journey across this great nation of ours. and almost two weeks since we arrived at our destination, leaving me in philadelphia once again for a new adventure.

i came into this city with certain understandings and expectations. i expected to be able to figure out my way around with slight ease. i expected to find my place and understanding here. i expected to feel a sensation when i saw the sky-line again, saying to myself, “this is my city”. but things didn’t fall into place that easily.

my first days here i struggled with feel lost and so out of place. i felt like a fake and a phony and believed that everyone could see that on my face - like i had this giant label on my forehead that said, “outsider. does not belong here”. it could also have something to do with my idaho plates.

still, i so expected to feel at home, and that sense of peace just wasn’t coming to me.

thankfully, i have a friend here in the city – jon is doing student teaching for the fall. in all the sense of lostness that i feel, it’s good to have someone to lean on a little bit.

one of my biggest goals for my time here was to find and get engulfed in a church community. and the last couple weeks i’ve been attending meetings at a church called circle of hope. it’s been a really great experience. the people are genuinely friendly and really focused on building community. the first week i was there, rod (the pastor) encouraged us to pray for the next 100 people we would meet/come in contact with. to be conscience of that and our influence on them and the possibility that they might make a covenant with that community. i found that so refreshing.

then on thursday i joined jon for his cell group. we spent the first couple minutes of our time split up into pairs walking around old city area praying for different things or people that we saw. and it was such an interesting experience.

see, old city is a part of philly that is more so the “nice” part of town. it’s a lot of mid-class single people living in one bedroom apartments. these people walk their dogs and shop at trader joe’s and own semi-nice cars, or at least a nice bike. they may be going to school or working full-time. they are in their mid-20’s to early 30’s. they live by themselves and work hard to keep that veneer of independency up.

as i began to pray for the people living there, the neighborhood in west philly kept coming back to my mind. people would pass by me on pine street and i'd try to say hello and then be hit with that awkward moment when you realize that other person isn't going to make eye contact with you - much less say hello. while in west phila, people would talk to you and say hello and pull your ear whether you welcomed that or not.

when i went home, one of the first things i would tell people was how friendly people in the city were. and those listening to me would be so surprised and i'd smile because i felt like i had found some precious gem that everyone else had missed. but walking around old city was so different. and i realized that with all the "wealth" these people had in their materials, there was such a desolation of spirit. and in west philly with all the desolation of material, there was such a wealth of spirit and community present there.

so as we gathered back together as our cell group we ask the question

why is community important?

and of course, being the educated theologian that i am, i pull out my brian mclaren podcast and say, that while God was creating the earth and animals - he gave all these things to adam to be in relationship with, they weren't yet satisfying. and mclaren goes on to state that even God himself was not satisfying enough for the hunger and thirst of relationship that adam had. so God gave him eve.

and finally it clicked.

it all came together.

adam had found the creature, partner, equal, to be in relationship with and he didn't have that desire or sense of loss, that he had so experienced before.

and i can't help but think of david bazan's first words in "hard to be":

you've heard the story

you know how it goes

once upon a garden we were lovers with no clothes

fresh from the soil

we were beautiful and true

in control of our emotions till we ate the poison fruit

and now it's hard to be a decent human being

and this is why we struggle to do things on our own and walk our dogs without making eye contact with our neighbors. because we really do crave to be in relationship and community with one another, it's how were created, it's a desire that comes from our basic humanity. but because of our broken choices, we are left with this severed relationship to everything around us - especially with each other.

so community becomes a restoration of the true and beautiful picture that God first laid out for us. we are embracing the purity of ourselves by being in community with one another.

things are getting better. i’m beginning to feel more and more connected. i think i can see a place and purpose for myself, where that was becoming cloudy before. there is still more that God is going to continue to do with me, and i know that. still more that i need to work on and process through, but i know he doesn’t give up on me and won’t do so in the future. he is bringing thoughts and themes into my life daily – and a big one is patience. this will all take time. it will take time for me to get connected to the world around me. it will take time for me to find my place here. it will take time for things to fall into place.

so patience.

and trust.

trust.

and for all these things, i ask that God would give me strength.

Lord beer me strength.