density.

this is a picture of my great-great-something great- grandmother. it really is one of my favorite pictures of all time, and i couldn't even tell you why.

but the untied shoe-lace is maybe my favorite part.

i have just arrived, in the last couple days, back in town to good ol nampa, id. my last week has been spent in portland figuring out things for my hopeful internship this year. 

besides this, i was also in town for a wedding of a good friend of mine. 

and i ran into someone from my past that, to be honest, i was not quite ready to see. although i think it might have been one of those things that i was never really ready for, until it just happened. 

and what a stepping stone it was.

actually, i jumped across a few stepping stones. i realize more and more how important it is for me to be healthy - to be my own person. not for a boy and not for a friend, but just for myself. i need to be able to wake up in the morning and just breathe in freedom and peace. not have to convince myself that it's going to be okay but just know that it will be. 

and let God be in the midst of all this.

i have gotten really cynical about God. i couldn't really hear anything about him without having some sort of cheesy gag reflex. i felt disconnected and frustrated in the distance i felt, but didn't really care to make any change. people have failed me. i have no security. 

but in this weekend, with the ups and downs and everything in between, God did not let go. God did not ignore or forget me. and i got real with him. got real with myself. i allowed myself to be raw with him. to be honest about my feelings and emotions. i really cried for the first time in months.

and in this moment of transparency, he lifted me out of the shadows and into the light. i have security in knowing him. in believing that he is all i need. all i desire. all i seek. 

i have a new sense of understanding and passion with him. and while i feel i'm still trying to explore what all that means for me right now, i have hope that things are looking much better and maybe i'm finally coming out of the thick forest.