don't wake me i plan on sleeping in.

so here i am, at 2.23 in the morning, realizing that i haven't blogged in a while and i apparently have nothing better to do.

not that blogging isn't important, but just that at this late at night/early in the morning sleep should probably be the most important.

right now my mind is filled with 

thoughts of the future.

thoughts of plans - being made and already broken.

thoughts of relationships - both still present and lost.

and thoughts of where God is.

it might sound cliche but i really don't think i know where he is in my life right now. that's not to say that i don't think he's with me - but just where he is with me. how he fits into my life. how he fits into my plans. how he's going to take care of everything even though i've already messed it up.

sometimes i feel like i don't even know how to talk to him anymore.

i read books, but seem so broken away from it.

all the religious language of "Jesus take the wheel" and "it's all in God's plan" has really just turned me off to the rawness of who God has been and will be in my life. 

i'm tired of the sunday school answers.

i want something real. 

something i can hold on to.

not physically, but emotionally and intellectually and spiritually.

i don't want to join a cult and i don't want to feel disconnected in church.

i want something real.