qualifications.

a couple weeks ago i applied for a job to continue on with an apprenticeship at csm in philadelphia. part of the application process was to write out why i felt that i was qualified for the job. here's a little piece of that:

I was working in one of our more disheveled ministry sites a couple weeks ago. The last time I had been there, my group and I spent three days painting a tight stairwell and cleaning out a dusty basement – neither of which had even the slightest ventilation. The site had their maintenance man leading us through this wonderful journey – his name was Wayne. Wayne was this sort of this one-man show, a jack-of-all-trades. Basically anything that had to be done at the main building, or at the various housing sites, had to be done by this one man. In this basement, I quickly realized that all the work we were doing was basically everything Wayne would have had to do himself. So if no one else would appreciate the work we were doing – Wayne would.

But on this day that I showed up (again not knowing what we were doing) I was greeted by Wayne and his readiness for us to clear lots at the residential buildings. Upon arriving at the second house we were cleaning, Wayne pulled me aside and asked if I was in school and what I was doing with my life. I told him that I had actually just graduated and that I didn’t particularly know what I was doing with my life. Then Wayne proceeded to tell me that I should work with some kind of community development because I seemed to be very organized and he suspected I would probably also be very good at organizing people. Now I’m not really the type of person to believe that God often speaks in a literal, audible voice; rather I think He speaks to me in feelings and nudges. In a thought that sparks in my mind out of nowhere. But in this moment, when Wayne was speaking to me in the kitchen of this house, I had to just step back and say, “Okay God, I hear you.”

I’ve always said that I would not like to work in a traditional box-set job: teacher, preacher, counselor. And in this last year, I’ve realized how important it is for me to work with people. I’ve realized that I cannot be fulfilled without that. Which is what drew me to the hosting job with CSM in the first place.

Here I have learned to push beyond my own comfort boundaries and God has really given me grace and peace and strength in places that I so desperately needed it. To be able to talk to a stranger on the streets. To be able to hug a child that I’ve barely known a week. To build relationships with people that I’ve had just a couple interactions with.

I believe that God has called me to work with people in some sort of ministry setting. And this summer I have realized just how important urban ministry is. I have learned to love people I couldn’t have seen myself even having a conversation with before. My desire now, is just pour more of myself into that community and continue to experience love beyond my own understanding. 

here's a link for the job description: http://www.csm.org/apprenticeship.php

also, i did get the job.

cleanse us of all cleanliness.

i wonder sometimes what God really thinks of me. i always equate these different things with Him when i’m in some kind of meditative state. either it’s the bug flying around next to me. or it’s the tree that catches my focus , or it’s the bird that hopes up beside me. i like to think and tell myself that God is in those things, or that He sent them to me to help give me some kind of little understanding of who He is. to push some point further that He already has set in my mind.

and yet, for some reason, there’s this little piece of me that finds all of that ridiculous. and i’m not sure where that comes from. maybe it’s just the cynic in me that wants to be a realist. maybe it’s the “lifeboat” person that doesn’t want to people to see how crazy i might actually be. or maybe it’s the whispers of someone trying to bring me down. i used to believe in the power of satan, you know. i used to see and all out the serious power he had on people’s lives and my own. but then people started giving him all this credit. they were constantly blaming him, instead of taking the responsibility for their own choices. suddenly satan became this excuse to do whatever the hell you wanted because you could then back it up by saying, “the devil made me do it”. so my counter-action was to start rolling my eyes and thinking everyone was an idiot and didn’t have the balls to fess up to what they had done – and just take the consequences of their actions. and while i still mostly think this, i also wonder if maybe i’ve let my guard down a little, if maybe i’ve let whispers in of doubt and distrust. if maybe i don’t get it as much as i thought i did – and if maybe i have lost something in the transition of becoming a well-educated adult.

because in my head, i really do think that God could send those things to me. not because i am someone incredibly special, but because i am a romantic. and God knows this. He understands this about me to the depths that no one else has seen – or will ever see. and because He knows this i think He does send those things to me, and i think He does plant those thoughts in my mind. i think that God is so beyond our understanding that He can be completely present with me in this moment. and be completely present with the lady sitting two benches down from me in the same. He can have all His focus and energy on me – and at the same time be playing with the imagination of the kid by the fountain – in his footy pajamas.

i sat by a fountain today and watched a group of small children playing. and it just amazed me how beautiful God made little kids to be. i watched as they ran without inhibition or hesitation. literally throwing their bodies into the centrifugal force of their movement. and it made me think about the words of Jesus – calling us to child-like faith. and often times we think of that in terms of thought – that we should just accept what God is saying to us because He’s God and He said it. but when i saw these kids running without worrying about how they were going to stop, or where exactly their feet were going to land in the process – i wondered if maybe that kind of action and attitude is something kids have figured out – and God wants us to pay attention to. because ministry and loving people, can be really difficult if you’re always watching where you step, and constantly worrying about the end result – if you’re always wondering what germs you’re going to get from a homeless guy who sneezes on you. think about it – kids don’t care about germs. they love em. they are innately drawn to the object that contains the most dirt and grime. and society, Christian or otherwise, is often going in the other direction of Jesus; which is why we have this conspiracy invading our lives of making people OCD. seriously, every other commercial or ad is about how many germs your kid has on him at any time. and how that one booger from another kid is going to infect yours with some terrible disease. it’s ridiculous. my best memories of my childhood are ones where i’m playing in dirt or mud. i played with worms and frogs. and if my cookie fell on the ground, you best damn well believe that i picked that baby up, brushed it off and ate that thing whole.

what kind of society of children are we raising that is afraid of those things? what kind of adults are these kids going to make? do i really want to live in a world where the leaders of our society are constantly putting on anti-bacterial ointment every two minutes? and how does all of that translate in the world of Jesus?

what are we really saying to our kids, or ourselves, when everything has to be wiped with anti-bacterial before we can touch it? what is our world going to look like if all we’re preaching is to be scared of everything?

i think Jesus is calling us to something beyond all that. i think He is calling us to run like children run. to not worry about every little step we take, but to run at life with full force; and if we happen to fall, He is there to help pick us up and kiss our boo-boo’s and tell us to get over it and keep playing – because what is summer and what is life without a couple battle wounds?

divers-city.

yes folks, it's a two in one day. 

this excerpt is from just a couple days ago when i was walking around the center city area. sometimes, we have the groups explore chinatown, and while they do this, we get to go off by ourselves. it's only an hour, so there's not a whole lot of time to do much. but i've begun a routine where i will go into the redding market (which is sort of an inside farmer's market), get some coffee, and then walk some blocks over to love park and sit by the fountain. 

i just love walking around this city.

the buildings are so grand.

the people are so diverse.

and i am such a cheese ass.

walking into love park, a man asked me how to spell "slip" - as in slip and fall. at first i was terrified because i heard the words "how do you spell..." and i, as we al know, am not a great speller. but when i heard the word we was asking me to spell - "slip",  i felt relieved. this word i knew how to spell. but then i realized the deeper meaning of this man asking me, a stranger, to spell a simple word. how many people walked by before he had the courage to ask the spelling of this simple word? how embarrassing was it for him to have to even ask in the first place?

when i gave him the correct spellage - he thanked me and added - 

"it's been a long time"

and i fully realized the implications of what he was asking. apparently he was filling out some kind of job application and it wasn't that he didn't know how to spell the word, per-se, but it was more that he was out of practice and perhaps was simply drawing a blank.

either way - here was this man. it love park. trying to do something better for his life. trying to push beyond his circumstances. and asking this tiny little girl, which big yellow sunglasses, how to spell a simple word.

also - i'm pretty sure someone renewed their vows in the park today, under the love sign.

good stuff. and it's only 10 am...

...

the interesting thing about this day, was that i also got to send my group to explore a part of philly called olde city. this is the area that has all that historical touristy stuff, but it's all the area that is my most favorite. there's great little shops and bookstores and coffee places and parks. again, when we take groups here we let them roam around on their own, which gives us some time to ourselves to rest and recharge. so here is another chunk from that day.

today i sat in a coffee shop and nearly fell asleep.

so i walked outside to the park by independence hall and sat on a bench and read.

before that, though, i had a good chat with a friend of mine abut life and plans and heart.

and as i told her about how i am falling in love with this city, i began to understand the reality of what i was saying. that i really do feel my heart calling out to this place. that i really do feel a responsibility to stay here and invest more in the city that is already teaching me so much. because what good is it going to do for me to leave?

and this friend made a good point that even if i move to seattle to be closer to home - i still probably won't go home anymore than if i lived here. and if my heart is really somewhere else - then i should be where my heart is.

i still get this overwhelming feeling. of feeling separated from this sense of an old life and part of that is i find myself caring less and less about theological systems. and maybe it's just that i'm reading donald miller and being totally influenced by his words. but i think maybe, part of it at least, is that this city is really getting to me.

because when i'm sitting next to a woman in a wheelchair who can barely speak and can't even pull her own body up to sit straight, theological systems don't matter.

and when i'm at an after school program and the "teacher", who hasn't showered, and thinks wearing a dirty shirt and shorts is dressing appropriately for public because they are the exact same color and therefore matching, is yelling at the kids and bitching about the heat, when these kids probably go home to unair-conditioned, packed houses every day, and i'm just sitting with a young vietnamese girl, who when she plays house and serves me food, i'm ashamed to say, i visualize myself at a restaurant being served by her as my waitress and i fear that this might indeed one day be her fate, theological systems, and quite frankly most everything else, goes out the window. 

because at the end of the day, all that matters, all that these people need is love.

and love cannot manifest itself out of a system.

because at the end of the day, 

all renita needs is love. and the way i can show her that is by touching her shoulder, and at the risk of hurting her and the risk of my personal comfort, push her entire body so she can sit up straight and play uno.

and all linda needs is love. and i can show her how much Jesus loves her by playing house and connect four with her, because in this instance and moment, one person can have her energy and focus entirely on this little girl and tell her how smart and valuable she is.

and even "teacher-lady", whom i have deemed "gladys" because i didn't care to learn her name, and she reminds me of the adult version of gladys from "best christmas pageant ever", even she needs the love of Jesus.

and i am no better or no worse than these. because Jesus came to save me too. and i know this. and i know how much God loves me and how much patience and grace he has for my life. and only he understands the true depths of how much i need it.

Schuylkill /ˈskuːkəl/ ("SKOO-kull")

so yes, i do realize it is now the end of june and my last post was the beginning of june. sorry to all of you - and especially, sorry mom.

life is just so busy. and when my weeks are packed to the brim, it's hard to be motivated to sit down to a computer and type for hours to catch up on the things i've left out. rather, i would like to spend my time doing nothing, or watching movies, or having a picnic by the schuylkill river at sunset (cause that is really living the dream). 

but i understand that there are people out there who care about what is going on in my life, and this grand new adventure that i am a part of. so again, for that, i'm sorry i've forgotten you in the busyness.

i've decided though that i don't want to do a day to day update of everything that is happening in my weeks. frankly i don't care enough to write it, and i'm not sure you care enough to read it (considering my last post, in which i did that, i only got one comment (thanks Z) and the other one i had seven). i follow the numbers people.

so, since i have my journal with me most days, and i feel most methodical when i am writing in that, i think i'll just try doing excerpts from that and see how it goes. hopefully this will give you all more material and make it more motivating for me. because i really do still love the feel of a pen in my hand.

so to get it all started, here's something i wrote in my second week, looking out over the delaware river at penn's landing. 

today i walked around the city.

this city that i feel so connected to already - after only three weeks of being here.

this city that is so open and diverse. 

this city that allows so many different types of people to call it home.

this city that has called me close to its heart.

this city of brotherly love. where i have learned to love so beyond myself.

and i ask myself:

what will this city mean to me beyond this day?

what is this city calling me to beyond tomorrow?

i wonder if i could see myself living here.

loving here.

God You know the desires of my heart.

but do i even know those things?

continue to reveal Yourself to me.

whatever that means and in whatever context that applies.

You have brought me here.

You have called me here.

continue to call me here every morning.

remind me of the purpose You set out for me.

i am here to love You.

to love myself.

and to love others beyond that.

two weeks.

sorry it's been two weeks since i last did an update. life has been pretty busy.

yesterday we just finished up our last hours of training with a great pray/worship time at justin's house. it was great to just soak up the presence of God for a good long while. really refreshing. and i think it got us all prepared for the week to come - when our first group get here. but now i'm getting ahead of myself.

i'll go back a couple weeks - starting with 5.23.monday.

we started the week with some basic training stuff to get us thinking about the cultural differences that we might be facing throughout the summer. then we spent the afternoon playing games with the kids of the neighborhood. it was amazing. the kids here are so full of life and spirit - some of them a little too much spirit. but they are so ready and willing to be loved and adored. we played on the street with them for hours (in which time i also learned how to play four-square and now understand why everyone loves it). after playing games, we went to watch the phillies play. and this is another moment where i just loved being in philly.

we took the subway to the stadium and all the people were wearing philllies paraphernalia. and all of them were short and pasty white - and here, i thought, are my people. there were so many men to behold in their beards, it was glorious.

the game was good too, but i'll be honest, my favorite part was when the entire stadium started doing the wave together. also the $1 hotdogs weren't bad either.

tuesday. 5.26

on this day, krista (justin's wife) came and did "character inventory" with us. which is basically a personality test that puts you in four different categories - visionary, people, plans, and doing. after taking the test, you figure out what you're top two are and that basically describes you. well i, my dear friends, am a four-part blend. which means that my highest and lowest score were on 3 points away from each other. the test itself also implied that i may have an identity crisis, to which i responded, up yours.

but this was a really good moment for me, and for the group. it helped us understand where each other was coming from, and how we might handle different situations throughout the summer. and this is why i love personality tests - it brings such great understanding and life is so much easier that way.

the afternoon was filled with visiting different ministry sites, and then for dinner we experienced our first ethnic restaurant, pattaya, a vietnamese place. even though we went to many other places throughout the week, i think this was my favorite of all of them.

wednesday. 5.27

this was the first day we were able to experience serving in one of our ministry sites. we served at MANNA, which provides meals for those too sick to prepare for themselves. it's a great organization and is able to deliver three meals a day for an entire week, at the very beginning of that week. i had a lot of fun at this place, and i'm excited to be serving there the rest of the summer.

later in the day we visited Honickman, which is an afterschool/summer school program. the lady that runs this is awesome. she's this crazy lady with a red afro named miss chris. when we met her, she was wearing a bright orange sweater, and african jewelry, and just talking it up like there was no tomorrow. this is another place that i'm really excited to be serving at. it will be a lot of fun to hang out with kids from the city.

thursday 5.28

on this day, we spent most of the morning training again. we also had our first guest speaking, chris lahr. chris helped shane claiborne start "the simple way" here in philly. his words were really inspiring and powerful. i think for me, it really helped push me into that mindset of seeing people the way Jesus does and loving them right where they're at. it was just really fulfilling to hear from someone who has such hope and love for the people of this city.

(notice this is going quick, but we have a lot to catch up on so on we go...)

friday 5.29

this morning we spent time doing the chinatown tour, which basically gives groups the opportunity to walk around the chinatown of philly. it was good to experience this for ourselves, so we could be able to talk to the groups about their experiences there.

saturday 5.30

this day was really good. we did what's called the city search. basically it gave us a chance to walk around olde city, which is the oldest, most historic part of philadelphia. one of the first things we did was walk into the old quaker meeting house. there was an older man there, kind of taking care of it, and gave us a semi-brief history of the quaker movement and what it all entailed. i think this was the favorite part of my day. i had never really heard a lot about the quakers and what they actually believe. it was really interesting. some of the things that i really took away from it, was the idea that they believe God exists in all people, and therefore all religions. so they're not really threatened by people believing different things. it was really fascinating to get a quick look into the journey and history of another group of believers.

that night we had cheesesteaks for the first time since being in philly. i had wiz with onions on mine, and a birch beer. i'll be honest, it was the best i've ever had (but i was in store for a better cheesesteak later in the week). we also got a chance to see the film crew for parking wars, which was pretty exciting and made me think of home.

sunday 5.31

this sunday we got to choose where we wanted to go, and so we went to a small episcopalian church in the neighborhood. it was really interesting. i've never experienced a service where i had to follow along to the order of service so carefully. i also got a chance to have wine with communion for the first time - good stuff. the service was interesting. i'm not sure that i've ever smelled so much incense in one church service. but getting serious now, it was a good experience to go to a church service that was a little out of my element. and i really do like experiencing some sense of tradition. i think tradition is important and sometimes necessary. so it was good to go to a service that emphasized that.

monday 6.1

june already. this morning i got to share devotions with the rest of my staff. i talked about the story of hosea and gomer - just to kind of emphasize the idea that no matter what we do, or what the people of the city have done, or what the kids in the groups have done, God will still love us and seek a relationship with us. he will continue to woo us no matter what we do. and then i summed it all up with some words from Jesus about loving others because God first loved us.

we continued with training and visiting ministry sites, including the Inglis House. this is a place for people that are strictly in wheelchairs, either by different illnesses or accidents. the guy who gave us a tour is named Bob and he was amazing. he has such a heart for the residents there and really was so encouraging to us.

tuesday 6.2

on this day we were lead in training by Dan, who is the president of csm. yes the big-wig himself. Dan is in his early fifties and from new york city, and is just that classic picture of a new yorker. he was so funny and sarcastic, and at the same time, this guy really knows what he's talking about. he is so in tune with urban ministry and how to be with people in the city. he was a great inspiration to all of us and really encouraged us in some refreshing ways that i think all of us interns really needed.

wednesday 6.3

i think this was one of my favorite days of training. on this day justin drove us out to new jersey to a summer camp that he used to go to as a teenager. we did some low ropes course stuff and trust building crap that all groups have to go through always. but really, it was great. it was so neat to see how all of our individual personalities and strengths manifested themselves through this process of trying to figure out how to get 15 people on a small block of wood. just great. and through planning and careful articulation, we made over the wall in 12 min flat (or somewhere around there). which is the fastest i have ever seen anyone in the history of the world get over that thing.

after lunch we took about an hour to ourselves. this was much needed for my dear little self. i've realized over the last couple years how important my alone time is for myself. i took the time to sit on an old wooden chair on the bridge of this little stream. it had a perfect view of the woods. i wrote in my moleskine, read my Bible, listened to music, and just soaked up the presence of God. i felt so refreshed and fulfilled afterwards.

perfectly content.

thurs 6.4 (we're almost there)

we took this day to experience the urban plunge, in which time we drop our group in the heart of kensington and let them walk around this part of the city, trying to find someone to bless with two dollars. so we interns were split into two groups. my group ended up buying a haircut for the next person to walk in the barber shop. it was really uncomfortable to walk around all by ourselves. and difficult too to try to figure out how to help someone - cause you can't just walk up to somebody and ask if they're homeless, and could i please buy something for you because you look like you could use two dollars worth of something. but it was a good thing to experience and i think we all ended up feeling satisfied with our blessings, and maybe a little uncomfortable with the process.

and a little uncomfort never hurt anyone.

friday 6.5

amazing race.

this morning we took a couple hours to participate in the csm amazing race. if you've not seen the show, first of all you are missing out, second of all, it's basically a race around the world and you have to make certain stops and pick up clues that will lead you to your next destination. for us, that included ministry sites and restaurants. this was one part of training that i was both nervous and excited for. but it ended up not turning out so well. my group got really really lost and it was pouring rain all day and traffic was bad and pretty much anything that could go wrong did.

there were some moments in there that were good. on the times when i had to give directions i pretty much had a good idea of where i was going, and how to get there. and i also had an opportunity to drive around the city, and that was really sweet. i was very proud of my city driving skills.

this day also signified the last day of our training. the next day would be our first day off and then the day after that we would be getting our first group.

saturday 6.7

there isn't a lot to talk about for this day because there was much of the day that i was awake. we all slept in till almost noon. later we went out shopping and to dinner, but for the most part it was just a chill day.

we did end up having dinner at the perry home and that was fantastic. i must say that i love hurley (their dog) and so look forward to seeing him whenever i get the chance. after dinner we just sat around in justin's living room and sang and prayed together. totally what we all needed to prepare for the week.

sunday 6.8

we went to church at justin's place again. the service was really good, and very much what i needed.

that afternoon we got the house ready and had our first staff meeting.

later that evening the group arrived.....

first days.

as i first walked out of the airport, i saw a man driving his exposed jeep wrangler. he was an older gentlemen, with a belly large enough size to hold all his wisdom and experience, smoking a big ol' stoggie in between his bearded lips. 

i have arrived in philadelphia. 

my first days here have been quite a wild one (well, after everyone else showed up). our first dinner was at ralphs - an authentic italian place in south philly. food was great, accents were delicious, and i found myself held speechless just trying to soak up all that was around me. 

there are five other people doing internships with me this summer:

jessica is from texas and just finished up her freshman year at texas a&m. she will be my bachelorette buddies as much as we can keep up this summer. but we already share the same favorites for jillian. we also share a deep sex appeal for justin timberlake - although i clearly told her this evening that he is mine and she is not allowed to make-out with him.

katherine is from wisconsin (and yes they do really love cheese there). she just graduated and is planning on going to seminary in boston this fall. she was also home-schooled and was an irish dancer for years and teaches girls now. she is nerd and loves star wars and star trek, and lost - so of course we have already connected on deeper levels than most can understand.

megan is from canada, eh?! just like our lovely friend jillian (see above, in the "jessica" section for reference). she reminds me of my dear friend reed reeder and his green card. her family was like one of the first people to start the salvation army church, or something crazy like that. she has already learned new things about our country - like the first amendment and what the oregon trail is, both the actual event and the game.

josh is from virgina, but goes to school in goshen, indiana. his family is mennonite and he reminds me of a freshman phil westlund. he is studying a political science of sorts, and art (which just adds to his phil-ness). 

jon is from michigan. he is the tallest of our group and is reminiscent of a deeper-voiced will ferrell. he's got that good wholesome boy humor about him. 

tim is our associate director, he lives in philly full-time now, but is from chicago. he's been the one i've been in most contact with since i got the job here. his ethnic background includes chinese, swedish (or that general area), and hawaiian. he has been mistaken for jon from jon and kate plus 8 (but i don't want to talk about them now). 

justin the is the new city director, although he's been a director for csm in the past. he's a shorter stockier guy and is very much what i would think of as a typical nice-boy from philly (well actually new jersey). he has very kind eyes and i think he will be a great support for our team.

his wife krista just had a baby, jack, and was originally going to be the director of sorts for philly this summer, but wanted to be able to stay home full-time and be a mom. she is from a greek family and claims "my big fat greek wedding" to be a perfect depiction of that. 

i bring up justin, and krista especially, because one, looking at their child's scowling face i swear i was looking at nate berrian, and two, we had dinner at their place tonight and it was awesome. totally what i think we all needed, and a great way to get to know each other all a little better.

two of the best places to get to know people - around food and around a campfire.

no i have not shown a lot of my crazy yet, it's still too soon people. but i did have a pretty classic tricia moment. basically we were talking about conservative kids not kissing before marriage and how awkward it was (specifically that family on tlc with the crapload of kids). and transitioned into a book i read, FOR SCHOOL, that talked about what churches used to believe about sex. basically it had to do with blood boiling and emitting out of the body, and the phrase in the book said something about it being "kind of like the human espresso machine". well no one laughed, someone walked right in as i said that, and justin had to explain that we were all talking about something fairly harmless and "tricia just took it to another level." 

oh what will the good Lord do with me?

we ended the evening with the prayer tour. this is a time where we drive around different areas of the city, talk about who lives there, and pray for those people and the ministries reaching out to them. it's a really great time to see the city in one big swoop and experience the big picture before we get into the grit of it all. unfortunately on the way to our last stop, a car came over the bridge way too fast, and in our lane. it sideswiped us and then proceeded to continue driving. no one was hurt, although a little shaken up. as justin called his insurance company, megan made a comment about not being able to tell her parents about this event; katherine agreed and added that hers would buy a ticked home; i on the other hand, stated that my dad would simple respond with, "welcome to philly."

welcome to philly indeed. i am glad to be here in the land of my ancestors and am excited to explore the city more and continue to see the people as God does. there are two full weeks of training ahead for us all before groups arrive.

the picture i've posted is a collage exercise we did this morning as kind of a way to show who we are. this link (http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=77848553638) will give you a better description of what everything means but i encourage you to look at it first and see what significance you can guess on your own before you look at the answers. 

i'm off to bed now. 

so good night good friends. 

good night sweet city.

plans.

i've always known plans were important to me.

i like to make plans.

i like to make lists whenever i go somewhere.

i make lists all the time to remember all the little details of my life.

and now i'm just waiting for plans to fall in place....

...and i'm anxious.

in the last year i've realized how many plans i've made and how they have all fallen through. and in my necessity to make plans, every time one falls apart, i feel a little piece of my spirit chip away. maybe i'm being a little melo-dramatic in that.....

but on top of those plans falling through, i have to go through the process of people asking me how this internship is going, or when i'm moving to this new city, or whatever else they've heard that i'm doing, and i have to go through the whole discussion as to what i'm not doing and far behind they are in all the plans that have changed and then catch them up to what's happening in my life now. 

it's all a very tiring thing.

and in the months before the last couple months, i didn't really have a whole lot to talk about. i was still living with my parents, still going to school, and still without a real job, and my life felt like it was going nowhere.

but within the last couple months i have found a little ray of hope in some lightly set plans....

i realized that while i love doing design and it's really fun for me and i've learned a lot, it's not really anything that that's going to be fulfilling. i need to work with people. i need to be in their lives, talking about how they operate in the world and in their relationships. so what follows next? any guesses?

well i decided to switch my focus over to psychology and go to grad school for marriage and family counseling. i feel really excited and think that it's one of the best decisions i've made for myself. it's taken me a long time to figure out who i am and to be comfortable living as that person, but now that i have, other things are starting to fall into place, and this job thing is definitely a big one.

another plan i've made, and the one i'm waiting on, is an internship with an organization called center for student missions. google it if you're not sure what it is. basically i would be a city host who would lead different student groups around as they come to the city for mission trips. i would take them to different ministry sites and the process with them throughout the trip. csm requires that you do an on site interview so i flew to denver and shadowed a group for 2 days. then yesterday i had my interview with the people in philadelphia - which is where i want to actually do the internship at. and now i just wait.

but i lack confidence because i feel like history has shown me i should be prepared for these plans of mine to fall through.

yet we all need to bring ourselves back to reality.

while i really do struggle with these plans falling through, really, i wouldn't have wanted them to work out in the end. the things i was pushing myself towards just really didn't fit me, and i had a lot of reservations before even stepping through the door that i should have been more in tune with. and really really, i am so thankful for my life here. sure, i'm living with my parents, but it's free and i've had the opportunity to connect with my family more as people. and sure i'm still at school, but the economy is in the pits and i have a great blessing of my mom being employed at the university. and i've been able to meet and connect with people i wouldn't have otherwise. and sure i don't have a job, but i've got training for one early next week - so actually i do sort of have a job. 

basically life is good. 

and i'm glad to be here.

i know there are still things in life to come, some things i hope for sooner rather than later, but it will happen. i know i'm taken care of. and i know i'm loved. and i'm not sure there's much more you can ask for beyond that.

except maybe if the sun would like to come out and warm us to spring.