first days.

as i first walked out of the airport, i saw a man driving his exposed jeep wrangler. he was an older gentlemen, with a belly large enough size to hold all his wisdom and experience, smoking a big ol' stoggie in between his bearded lips. 

i have arrived in philadelphia. 

my first days here have been quite a wild one (well, after everyone else showed up). our first dinner was at ralphs - an authentic italian place in south philly. food was great, accents were delicious, and i found myself held speechless just trying to soak up all that was around me. 

there are five other people doing internships with me this summer:

jessica is from texas and just finished up her freshman year at texas a&m. she will be my bachelorette buddies as much as we can keep up this summer. but we already share the same favorites for jillian. we also share a deep sex appeal for justin timberlake - although i clearly told her this evening that he is mine and she is not allowed to make-out with him.

katherine is from wisconsin (and yes they do really love cheese there). she just graduated and is planning on going to seminary in boston this fall. she was also home-schooled and was an irish dancer for years and teaches girls now. she is nerd and loves star wars and star trek, and lost - so of course we have already connected on deeper levels than most can understand.

megan is from canada, eh?! just like our lovely friend jillian (see above, in the "jessica" section for reference). she reminds me of my dear friend reed reeder and his green card. her family was like one of the first people to start the salvation army church, or something crazy like that. she has already learned new things about our country - like the first amendment and what the oregon trail is, both the actual event and the game.

josh is from virgina, but goes to school in goshen, indiana. his family is mennonite and he reminds me of a freshman phil westlund. he is studying a political science of sorts, and art (which just adds to his phil-ness). 

jon is from michigan. he is the tallest of our group and is reminiscent of a deeper-voiced will ferrell. he's got that good wholesome boy humor about him. 

tim is our associate director, he lives in philly full-time now, but is from chicago. he's been the one i've been in most contact with since i got the job here. his ethnic background includes chinese, swedish (or that general area), and hawaiian. he has been mistaken for jon from jon and kate plus 8 (but i don't want to talk about them now). 

justin the is the new city director, although he's been a director for csm in the past. he's a shorter stockier guy and is very much what i would think of as a typical nice-boy from philly (well actually new jersey). he has very kind eyes and i think he will be a great support for our team.

his wife krista just had a baby, jack, and was originally going to be the director of sorts for philly this summer, but wanted to be able to stay home full-time and be a mom. she is from a greek family and claims "my big fat greek wedding" to be a perfect depiction of that. 

i bring up justin, and krista especially, because one, looking at their child's scowling face i swear i was looking at nate berrian, and two, we had dinner at their place tonight and it was awesome. totally what i think we all needed, and a great way to get to know each other all a little better.

two of the best places to get to know people - around food and around a campfire.

no i have not shown a lot of my crazy yet, it's still too soon people. but i did have a pretty classic tricia moment. basically we were talking about conservative kids not kissing before marriage and how awkward it was (specifically that family on tlc with the crapload of kids). and transitioned into a book i read, FOR SCHOOL, that talked about what churches used to believe about sex. basically it had to do with blood boiling and emitting out of the body, and the phrase in the book said something about it being "kind of like the human espresso machine". well no one laughed, someone walked right in as i said that, and justin had to explain that we were all talking about something fairly harmless and "tricia just took it to another level." 

oh what will the good Lord do with me?

we ended the evening with the prayer tour. this is a time where we drive around different areas of the city, talk about who lives there, and pray for those people and the ministries reaching out to them. it's a really great time to see the city in one big swoop and experience the big picture before we get into the grit of it all. unfortunately on the way to our last stop, a car came over the bridge way too fast, and in our lane. it sideswiped us and then proceeded to continue driving. no one was hurt, although a little shaken up. as justin called his insurance company, megan made a comment about not being able to tell her parents about this event; katherine agreed and added that hers would buy a ticked home; i on the other hand, stated that my dad would simple respond with, "welcome to philly."

welcome to philly indeed. i am glad to be here in the land of my ancestors and am excited to explore the city more and continue to see the people as God does. there are two full weeks of training ahead for us all before groups arrive.

the picture i've posted is a collage exercise we did this morning as kind of a way to show who we are. this link (http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=77848553638) will give you a better description of what everything means but i encourage you to look at it first and see what significance you can guess on your own before you look at the answers. 

i'm off to bed now. 

so good night good friends. 

good night sweet city.

plans.

i've always known plans were important to me.

i like to make plans.

i like to make lists whenever i go somewhere.

i make lists all the time to remember all the little details of my life.

and now i'm just waiting for plans to fall in place....

...and i'm anxious.

in the last year i've realized how many plans i've made and how they have all fallen through. and in my necessity to make plans, every time one falls apart, i feel a little piece of my spirit chip away. maybe i'm being a little melo-dramatic in that.....

but on top of those plans falling through, i have to go through the process of people asking me how this internship is going, or when i'm moving to this new city, or whatever else they've heard that i'm doing, and i have to go through the whole discussion as to what i'm not doing and far behind they are in all the plans that have changed and then catch them up to what's happening in my life now. 

it's all a very tiring thing.

and in the months before the last couple months, i didn't really have a whole lot to talk about. i was still living with my parents, still going to school, and still without a real job, and my life felt like it was going nowhere.

but within the last couple months i have found a little ray of hope in some lightly set plans....

i realized that while i love doing design and it's really fun for me and i've learned a lot, it's not really anything that that's going to be fulfilling. i need to work with people. i need to be in their lives, talking about how they operate in the world and in their relationships. so what follows next? any guesses?

well i decided to switch my focus over to psychology and go to grad school for marriage and family counseling. i feel really excited and think that it's one of the best decisions i've made for myself. it's taken me a long time to figure out who i am and to be comfortable living as that person, but now that i have, other things are starting to fall into place, and this job thing is definitely a big one.

another plan i've made, and the one i'm waiting on, is an internship with an organization called center for student missions. google it if you're not sure what it is. basically i would be a city host who would lead different student groups around as they come to the city for mission trips. i would take them to different ministry sites and the process with them throughout the trip. csm requires that you do an on site interview so i flew to denver and shadowed a group for 2 days. then yesterday i had my interview with the people in philadelphia - which is where i want to actually do the internship at. and now i just wait.

but i lack confidence because i feel like history has shown me i should be prepared for these plans of mine to fall through.

yet we all need to bring ourselves back to reality.

while i really do struggle with these plans falling through, really, i wouldn't have wanted them to work out in the end. the things i was pushing myself towards just really didn't fit me, and i had a lot of reservations before even stepping through the door that i should have been more in tune with. and really really, i am so thankful for my life here. sure, i'm living with my parents, but it's free and i've had the opportunity to connect with my family more as people. and sure i'm still at school, but the economy is in the pits and i have a great blessing of my mom being employed at the university. and i've been able to meet and connect with people i wouldn't have otherwise. and sure i don't have a job, but i've got training for one early next week - so actually i do sort of have a job. 

basically life is good. 

and i'm glad to be here.

i know there are still things in life to come, some things i hope for sooner rather than later, but it will happen. i know i'm taken care of. and i know i'm loved. and i'm not sure there's much more you can ask for beyond that.

except maybe if the sun would like to come out and warm us to spring.

spring....

...is upon us. 

i can feel it in the warmth of the sunshine and the beauty of its radiance. 

i can hear it in the sing song of the birds in the trees.

this week is spring break - so that's probably another good indicator. 

nothing major planned this week. my family is california and i'm here at home with coco. i have goals this week to clean, be creative, and try to get some plans for the future set in order. 

i like having plans.

part of this is that i also plan to start blogging more. so get ready folks - cause the thoughts are gonna start a'flowin!

"good ol' days"

in case you haven't checked your calendar yet - we are in february of the new year already.

with that possibly in mind, i spent some time looking through my old facebook profile pictures. and while that may seem a little cheesy, it actually was a quick way to look through what's happened these past years. 

whether through different haircuts.

or the comments left by people.

it made me think upon where my life has come since then - whenever "then" is. 

sometimes it makes me sad the friends i've lost and who has floated out of my life. but i try to remember the good times and what it was like in those days. and i smile. 

and i can smile because i know i have people in my life right now that mean so much to me. i am so thankful in so many ways for what my life has become. while i don't really know what i want to do with my life - i think i'm starting to get a grasp on it. and while i'm still living at home, i'm really thankful for the relationship that i have with my family. and while there's not really a specific special boy, i have so many great friends that i wouldn't trade for anything. 

i have so seriously learned the value of good, solid friendships. 

so as i look on the "good ol' days" when life seemed so different, i can have confidence and hope in what this golden year is to bring.

meadowlark.

it has been apparent to me that i have not blogged in quite sometime.

and this realization has actually come to me in the form of a wonderful little birdie that i know.

a lot has happened since the last days of my written words.

i turned 23 on the 23rd therefore fulfilling a lifelong goal of having my golden birthday. 

i'm not sure how many of you have achieved life goals, but it can be quite unnerving. mine was met with joy and despair (both at the same time, which is one of the joys of being a woman). but a good friend of mine reminded me that it is not only the day that is golden, but the entire year. so i have this entire year to look forward to the golden things of life that i hope to experience.

i got a job at levi's which is now closing in just a matter of days. but i enjoyed my time there and getting to know new and different people.

and while catching up is fun, i'm getting a little bored now because i really got on here to talk about something specific.

for christmas my mom got me the strengths finder 2.o. basically you go on online and take a test that pinpoints five of your greatest strengths - a personality test of sorts. and we all know how much i love that.

after about a half hour i came to find out that mine five strengths are (in this order):

empathy.

connectedness.

communication

individualization.

activator.

i really love learning about myself. 

sounds slightly conceded, but really i think understanding yourself is on of the most foundational things a person can have to be able to operate in this world - at least in somewhat of a healthy way. i so enjoy learning new and different things about myself, or further discovering who i am and why i am and how i can be. there were just some great thoughts in those descriptions. and while i'd love to take the time to just copy and paste and talk about everything...it's getting late and i have class in the morning. so i'll leave you with this thought for now: the thing i find most valuable in taking these personality tests is not so something can put me in this little box, but because it makes me feel like i have a place and purpose in this world and in the lives of the people around me.

today.

lately i have been so blessed with relationships and really investing in the people around me. which is why i told myself i was here. i'm realizing more and more how awesome God is that he really does know us better than we know ourselves. too often i try to do things on my own and then get so frustrated when they don't work out. but when i let go and release everything to God, trusting that he will work it out in ways that i just don't believe i can, i become a new person. things that weighed me down and kept me from joy only a month ago, are not even a sliver of my thoughts day-to-day. 

i don't know what my plans are for the next months, or even days, to come, but i'm totally and completely content with that. because i know who i am. i know who Christ has made me. i have a sense of peace and joy that i haven't had for a couple years now. 

i praise God because i am so blesssed.

density.

this is a picture of my great-great-something great- grandmother. it really is one of my favorite pictures of all time, and i couldn't even tell you why.

but the untied shoe-lace is maybe my favorite part.

i have just arrived, in the last couple days, back in town to good ol nampa, id. my last week has been spent in portland figuring out things for my hopeful internship this year. 

besides this, i was also in town for a wedding of a good friend of mine. 

and i ran into someone from my past that, to be honest, i was not quite ready to see. although i think it might have been one of those things that i was never really ready for, until it just happened. 

and what a stepping stone it was.

actually, i jumped across a few stepping stones. i realize more and more how important it is for me to be healthy - to be my own person. not for a boy and not for a friend, but just for myself. i need to be able to wake up in the morning and just breathe in freedom and peace. not have to convince myself that it's going to be okay but just know that it will be. 

and let God be in the midst of all this.

i have gotten really cynical about God. i couldn't really hear anything about him without having some sort of cheesy gag reflex. i felt disconnected and frustrated in the distance i felt, but didn't really care to make any change. people have failed me. i have no security. 

but in this weekend, with the ups and downs and everything in between, God did not let go. God did not ignore or forget me. and i got real with him. got real with myself. i allowed myself to be raw with him. to be honest about my feelings and emotions. i really cried for the first time in months.

and in this moment of transparency, he lifted me out of the shadows and into the light. i have security in knowing him. in believing that he is all i need. all i desire. all i seek. 

i have a new sense of understanding and passion with him. and while i feel i'm still trying to explore what all that means for me right now, i have hope that things are looking much better and maybe i'm finally coming out of the thick forest.