"good ol' days"

in case you haven't checked your calendar yet - we are in february of the new year already.

with that possibly in mind, i spent some time looking through my old facebook profile pictures. and while that may seem a little cheesy, it actually was a quick way to look through what's happened these past years. 

whether through different haircuts.

or the comments left by people.

it made me think upon where my life has come since then - whenever "then" is. 

sometimes it makes me sad the friends i've lost and who has floated out of my life. but i try to remember the good times and what it was like in those days. and i smile. 

and i can smile because i know i have people in my life right now that mean so much to me. i am so thankful in so many ways for what my life has become. while i don't really know what i want to do with my life - i think i'm starting to get a grasp on it. and while i'm still living at home, i'm really thankful for the relationship that i have with my family. and while there's not really a specific special boy, i have so many great friends that i wouldn't trade for anything. 

i have so seriously learned the value of good, solid friendships. 

so as i look on the "good ol' days" when life seemed so different, i can have confidence and hope in what this golden year is to bring.

meadowlark.

it has been apparent to me that i have not blogged in quite sometime.

and this realization has actually come to me in the form of a wonderful little birdie that i know.

a lot has happened since the last days of my written words.

i turned 23 on the 23rd therefore fulfilling a lifelong goal of having my golden birthday. 

i'm not sure how many of you have achieved life goals, but it can be quite unnerving. mine was met with joy and despair (both at the same time, which is one of the joys of being a woman). but a good friend of mine reminded me that it is not only the day that is golden, but the entire year. so i have this entire year to look forward to the golden things of life that i hope to experience.

i got a job at levi's which is now closing in just a matter of days. but i enjoyed my time there and getting to know new and different people.

and while catching up is fun, i'm getting a little bored now because i really got on here to talk about something specific.

for christmas my mom got me the strengths finder 2.o. basically you go on online and take a test that pinpoints five of your greatest strengths - a personality test of sorts. and we all know how much i love that.

after about a half hour i came to find out that mine five strengths are (in this order):

empathy.

connectedness.

communication

individualization.

activator.

i really love learning about myself. 

sounds slightly conceded, but really i think understanding yourself is on of the most foundational things a person can have to be able to operate in this world - at least in somewhat of a healthy way. i so enjoy learning new and different things about myself, or further discovering who i am and why i am and how i can be. there were just some great thoughts in those descriptions. and while i'd love to take the time to just copy and paste and talk about everything...it's getting late and i have class in the morning. so i'll leave you with this thought for now: the thing i find most valuable in taking these personality tests is not so something can put me in this little box, but because it makes me feel like i have a place and purpose in this world and in the lives of the people around me.

today.

lately i have been so blessed with relationships and really investing in the people around me. which is why i told myself i was here. i'm realizing more and more how awesome God is that he really does know us better than we know ourselves. too often i try to do things on my own and then get so frustrated when they don't work out. but when i let go and release everything to God, trusting that he will work it out in ways that i just don't believe i can, i become a new person. things that weighed me down and kept me from joy only a month ago, are not even a sliver of my thoughts day-to-day. 

i don't know what my plans are for the next months, or even days, to come, but i'm totally and completely content with that. because i know who i am. i know who Christ has made me. i have a sense of peace and joy that i haven't had for a couple years now. 

i praise God because i am so blesssed.

density.

this is a picture of my great-great-something great- grandmother. it really is one of my favorite pictures of all time, and i couldn't even tell you why.

but the untied shoe-lace is maybe my favorite part.

i have just arrived, in the last couple days, back in town to good ol nampa, id. my last week has been spent in portland figuring out things for my hopeful internship this year. 

besides this, i was also in town for a wedding of a good friend of mine. 

and i ran into someone from my past that, to be honest, i was not quite ready to see. although i think it might have been one of those things that i was never really ready for, until it just happened. 

and what a stepping stone it was.

actually, i jumped across a few stepping stones. i realize more and more how important it is for me to be healthy - to be my own person. not for a boy and not for a friend, but just for myself. i need to be able to wake up in the morning and just breathe in freedom and peace. not have to convince myself that it's going to be okay but just know that it will be. 

and let God be in the midst of all this.

i have gotten really cynical about God. i couldn't really hear anything about him without having some sort of cheesy gag reflex. i felt disconnected and frustrated in the distance i felt, but didn't really care to make any change. people have failed me. i have no security. 

but in this weekend, with the ups and downs and everything in between, God did not let go. God did not ignore or forget me. and i got real with him. got real with myself. i allowed myself to be raw with him. to be honest about my feelings and emotions. i really cried for the first time in months.

and in this moment of transparency, he lifted me out of the shadows and into the light. i have security in knowing him. in believing that he is all i need. all i desire. all i seek. 

i have a new sense of understanding and passion with him. and while i feel i'm still trying to explore what all that means for me right now, i have hope that things are looking much better and maybe i'm finally coming out of the thick forest. 

don't wake me i plan on sleeping in.

so here i am, at 2.23 in the morning, realizing that i haven't blogged in a while and i apparently have nothing better to do.

not that blogging isn't important, but just that at this late at night/early in the morning sleep should probably be the most important.

right now my mind is filled with 

thoughts of the future.

thoughts of plans - being made and already broken.

thoughts of relationships - both still present and lost.

and thoughts of where God is.

it might sound cliche but i really don't think i know where he is in my life right now. that's not to say that i don't think he's with me - but just where he is with me. how he fits into my life. how he fits into my plans. how he's going to take care of everything even though i've already messed it up.

sometimes i feel like i don't even know how to talk to him anymore.

i read books, but seem so broken away from it.

all the religious language of "Jesus take the wheel" and "it's all in God's plan" has really just turned me off to the rawness of who God has been and will be in my life. 

i'm tired of the sunday school answers.

i want something real. 

something i can hold on to.

not physically, but emotionally and intellectually and spiritually.

i don't want to join a cult and i don't want to feel disconnected in church.

i want something real.

iMac

today my iMac in came in the mail.

20 in.

b-e-a-utiful.

spent pretty much all day working on stuff.

getting settings figured out.

downloading a bunch of stuff.

and still have a lot to do.

went to fridays with some great people.

i've realized that with graduating and all, i really just want to spend the majority of my time with people i'm really going to stay in contact with. this is not to say that other people aren't important to me. the flip-side is that i've really lost connection with those people now - but maybe i just didn't really have it in the first place.

also, scrubs, the office, and lost were awesome this weekend. and once again i realized why God blessed the world with tivo because i didn't have to worry about missing the shows. 

sweet dreams all my little babies.

uninspired

tonight i am feeling completely uninspired - which is not a good think because i have to work on this project for graphic design and right now is the exact moment when i need to be feeling inspired.

today it really hit me.

i'm graduating.

i'm leaving a life that is so familiar and comfortable - for a life totally unknown. 

what am i supposed to do with that?

i realized that there are people i will not see again for a very long time - if ever.

and these are people that i've either re-connected with or people i have just recently connected. and it makes me so distraught that i won't really be able to continue that connection.

relationships are tough.

i wish......

i wish i knew what to do.